“It’s so easy, a monkey could do it.” That was what I told my wife to calm her down one day. She was all bent out of shape because our $1,000 dishwasher decided not to wash dishes anymore. We had only had the machine three years before it quit on us. Of course, my wife made the dishwasher breaking down all my fault, because, as she says, everything bad that happens, is my fault. This was going to cost us another $1,000. So, to calm her down, I say that we can save money if we buy a new one and I install it. That’s what guys do. They say stuff they have no idea about, like, “I can install it.”
When she asked me if I knew how, I said “It’s so easy a monkey can do it.” Of course, I knew the whole time that I had no idea how to install a dishwasher. But how hard could it be? Water goes in… Water goes out… Electricity goes in… Electricity goes… Boom? I’ve done plenty of plumbing in my life but this was different. This was water and electricity... and if I remember 4th grade science class… water and electricity? Not good recipe for humans and here I am ready to put a wrench to the two basic ingredients. But I don’t say anything. I don’t admit that I don’t have the faintest idea what I’m doing. I just want her to be less angry. Wives are much better when they’re less angry. After 13 years of marriage wives have two settings, less angry… and really angry. So we’re going for less angry. “It’s so easy a monkey could do it.” I said.
“Well, if a monkey can do it, then you definitely can’t do it,” she responds. Game on.
So, I pick a dishwasher online. I pick the one with the best ratings. Of course, I remember when we got the old dishwasher we did the same thing. It had 5 stars. You can’t do better than 5 stars. When you were a kid all you wanted to get was a star. Just one would do. But this was five stars. One star is no good when you’re a dishwasher. Looking online, the old dishwasher had 5 stars when we bought it and now it had one star. My wife sees the new ratings, and says, “See, I told you so.” As if I actually remember that. And she knows I don’t remember. In fact, she's counting on it. Guys can’t remember anything. Women know this. Women can rewrite history all they want and just say, “See, I told you so.”
So, I go to the store, and find the dishwasher. My wife said “Don’t spend more than $500.”
So, I see the price. $540. That’s on budget. It is. It’s got a five on the front. So, I go to buy this thing, and the next thing you know, the salesman’s tacking on more stuff. Like the installation kit. Gotta have the installation kit. And insurance? Got insurance? “How long is the warranty that comes with this thing?” I ask the salesman.
“Seven days,” he says.
“How much is extra insurance?”
“$90.”
“Seven days works for me.” Of course, I know that on day eight this thing isn’t going to work anymore. But, I gotta stay on budget.
I go to check out and the total is $590. How’d it get to $590? The installation kit was only $14. Taxes. Damned taxes. But we’re still in the five hundreds so I’m still on budget. After all, the thing had 5 stars. I showed my wife that the night before. In fact, I should record that, because three years from now, when every single one of this brand dishwasher has broken down, and the rating is one star, she can’t say “See I told you so.” But I’m not that smart to record things. I just know that, three years from now, we’ll look and see one star and she’ll say, “See, I told you so.” And I’ll just say, “Yeah, you’re right… Again.”
So, the big day comes when the dishwasher is supposed to arrive. I wait until the last minute to remove the old one. I shut off the power and the water to the house and pull it out. Of course, water spurts everywhere during the removal process. But since I watched the videos on how to install a dishwasher, I was prepared with a towel to clean up the mess. But the towel wasn’t enough. There was water gushing everywhere. I grabbed my five-year-old daughter’s lunch box and let the water drain into that. Of course, my seven-year-old son is watching. And suddenly he asks, “Can I tell on you?” I didn’t think I was doing anything bad, so I said, “Sure, go ahead.” But I wasn’t thinking, because the boy runs upstairs and screams to my wife, “Papa’s using my sister’s lunch box to catch water!”
