Shadows of the past

Haunted

Stabler closed his bedroom door, breathing heavily, trying to distract himself from his recent realization. He sat on the bed, put down his tea, and checked his phone, sending a message to check on his mother.

He lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, as his mind wandered. His thoughts were on Meredith and how her life had crumbled and changed in a moment.

Stabler saw a bit of himself in Meredith. She lived in an illusion created by her father, while he had built one for himself, following in his father's footsteps while trying to be a better man. He wasn't sure he had succeeded.

His mind drifted to many of these moments that had changed his life forever. Each one brought a new wave of emotions and self-reflection. The day Kathy told him she was pregnant, the day she died, the day he shot a kid, the day he found out his father was abusive...

When he found out about him and his partner last year, he tried to move on but after the dinner's reveal. The guilt festered like an old wound, impossible to ignore. He'd spent years putting people like him in prison, helping survivors— lastly, Rita.

******

Unable to quiet his thoughts and the resurfacing memories, he abandoned the bed, taking the now lukewarm tea in his hand and walking to the balcony, welcoming the cold, letting it numb him.

Rita, still full of life even after her time with Kosta, was trying to build a new life for her and her son. She'd moved on.

Meredith, had decided to stay in her hometown, facing the fallout and repairing what is broken. And not just surviving—she was starting a whole new life. A Real one this time on her own terms.

Walking out of her office today, he knew this wasn't a goodbye. He wouldn't let the relationship they had formed go; he would make sure of it. He wouldn't repeat that mistake again.

He admired their resilience, their courage to rebuild with almost no support. He has quite the support system so what really stopping him? What had he rebuilt?

After every life-changing moment, he tried to restore the same illusion, his safe place, his same normal. But with Kathy's death, an essential part was gone forever; he couldn't rebuild it anymore. The realization settled heavily in his chest. And undercover work became his new escape, maybe he was afraid of living, clinging to what he knew.

Unlike Jamie, who would have jumped headfirst into something new. Jamie, who had died too young—before he even had the chance to experience half of what Stabler had. The thought of Jamie's unfulfilled life stung more.

He had witnessed a lot of deaths over the years as a marine and a cop. Some he was responsible for, weighing on him more than others. One specifically set off a series of events, maybe even led him right into this moment.

The teenager, he shot at the squad room 14 years ago. The young women's life he ended, had made him think of others and put a lot into perspective. He knew he had to walk away completely from SVU and Olivia, and his feelings for her.

He knew, it wasn't always fair to her, remaining in each other's lives with their growing feelings, the almost 'threesome-like' relationship they had, with only him and Kathy getting all the benefits.

Their partnership had held her personal life back. He valued her, and their partnership, too much, that he didn't act on his feelings, whenever his marriage seemed troubled.