Not Over You

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Brooke walked into the den with the rest of the competition team about 10 minutes before the senior company rehearsal started.  Abby made her rehearse with both teams because she wanted Brooke to compete as much as possible.   She looked over at me and flashed a small smile, just like always.  I smiled back and snuck a glance at her again before I heard someone come and sit next to me.

“Brandon you got a second?” David asked

“sure” I answered

“we’re throwing a party tonight at Danny’s,” he said, “you up for it?”

“Who’s going?” I asked, sounding a bit unimpressed

“Everyone.” David said

“Everyone?” I asked

“Yeah,” David said, “just come, what else are you gonna do?”

“Ill think about it.” I said, trying to sound a little upbeat, but I knew I wasn’t gonna go

“Great!” David said as he got up

I looked up and saw that David had made his way over to where Brooke was sitting.  I could tell he was telling her about the party, and it looked as if she had agreed to go with the other girls sitting near her.

Maybe I should stop by the party, just to say hi and get out of the house…

Wow I was pathetic.  I was gonna go because Brooke was going.  I was gonna go so I could have another awkward conversation with her, so I could pretend like I could actually be her friend, so I could pretend I wasn’t still completely and hopelessly in love with her…

I mean I shouldn’t still feel like this, right? Not after almost 3 months…My heart shouldn’t stop every time I see her walk into a room.  She shouldn’t still be the only thing I can think of…my first priority.  I shouldn’t get sick to my stomach every time I think about what happened that night.  The night she broke my heart.  Not by cheating on me, not because of some stupid fight, but simply because she just didn’t love me back.  Because after years of building up the confidence, I finally got to be with her, and I got to hold her, and I got to completely fall for her like I knew I would, but she just didn’t fall for me.  She basically told me, as nicely as possible, that the whole relationship was a mistake.  That she would always love me, but “as a friend.”  And that she regretted jeopardizing our friendship with a relationship.  I knew she was letting me down easy, because that was just who Brooke was.  She never wanted to hurt anyone.  I knew she was just too afraid to tell me that she never really had those type feelings for me at all.  Its easy to see now, but I must have been so blindly in love with her to think for even a second she felt the same way.  She was always too good for me.

I think that’s what makes it the hardest.  Knowing that I had loved her with everything I had, with everything inside of me…but it wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t enough to change her mind, or make her stay.  I just got an awkward smile before rehearsals, or I got to try and sneak a glance at her every time I thought she wasn’t looking.  I barely got our friendship back.  I got to watch her be completely fine, completely unscathed by what happened, and just got to be broken.  And as much as I wanted to resent her for being able to do all of this to me, I still loved her.  Every day I would still wish she loved me back.  But we we’re just friends now…

Its hard loving someone so much and realizing that they don’t love you back.  At least not in the way you want them to.  To have to see them almost every day being happy or moving on, and to just be stuck.  Not able to move on, not able to think that you’ll ever feel the same way about somebody else.  The only good thing was that Brooke hadn’t been with anyone else but me since the break up.  As far as I, and the rest of the studio knew…and it was hard keeping secrets at the ALDC.  I knew I was probably wrong, but I couldn’t help but think that meant she still might have some feelings for me.  That just maybe, one day she would realize that she’d made a mistake.  And as pathetic as it sounds, I was willing to wait for her.  I was willing to hold onto that little bit of hope because I knew I wasn’t going to stop loving her anytime soon.

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⏰ Last updated: Jun 13, 2013 ⏰

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