Waterfall

Chapter 1: Mr. Brown

I was hesitant to go. Hesitant to experience... a life. Or a brief moment of it. Every cell in my body fired up with excitement and the split voices of fear growing louder and louder, burned just the same. I knew it was silly. I knew it was downright ridiculous, but I needed this. I craved it. I wanted to be the very thing I knew in my heart of hearts I could never be... not in this lifetime at least.

Looking out the window all I could focus on was the green. Beautiful green. It was shiny like hues of emerald green. I wondered, shifting my gaze to my seatbelt buckle, that the moment I release myself, all of this would go away. The shiny bright feelings, the view. All of it would just turn into a sea of black and grey, the other kind of shiny. Lenses that torment and peel you apart baring your soul but all they wanted were my shadows.

My fingers slightly hovering over the buckle. My index twitching. I ball my right hand in a fist for comfort. I was no longer inside my body. Honestly, I haven't felt like I was in my body for a very long time. It has become familiar, but being here, in this moment, reminds me how uncomfortable it was to normalize it.

The pilot comes out of the cockpit startled by my presence, he shoots a quick smile but not to me. He nods his head and removes his hat before disembarking. I feel a hand squeeze into the headrest of my chair pulling it back slightly. I'm not alone.

A throat clearing or two was enough to snap me back out of my overwhelming spatial awareness. Now both hands are balled up. I'm not sure if I'm leaving this plane until they fly us back to the America. I can't move but at the same time I left a long time ago. It's hard having to learn and relearn how to operate a body that's been with you since birth but has morphed into something that feels foreign.

A hand reaches over to my buckle and I grab it almost like a reflex.

"Easy..."

I look up at them catching their gaze and feeling my fingers release and the sound of the buckle snapping made me jump in my seat.

"Whoa! Aren't you excited, huh!?"

"I..."

The words couldn't come out. I was not excited. I was nervous and ready to declare my leave and demand the pilot take us back. And yet from my peripheral vision the greenery spoke to me in a way that the wind cools you on a hot summer's day.

"It's okay"

"I know..." I said shifting to the open seat next to me so I can get a better look of what seemed to be a fantasy. Looking up from the small window at the blue sky. The kind of blue that makes you wonder if you ever really noticed how truly blue the sky can be.

A loud sound knocked my gaze down to the people who were moving my luggage while signaling towards each other. The heat started to creep inside the plane. I wasn't sure what to wear, but my skin was grateful I didn't overthink too much. Black denim jeans and a white dress shirt.

"You okay there buddy?"

I nod my head still looking down through the window but the greenery and the sky gently demanded my attention and the beauty of it all was soothing. I grab my sunglasses and get up. I walk to the front of the plane and the heat got more and more intense.

"Well I certainly came over dressed. Who told me to wear a frikkin' suit!? I'll grab your handbag"

I chuckle and look back at them before we made it to the door. They reassure me with a wink and I step out of the plane. Quickly heading down the stairs as if I was ashamed to witness the greenery with my own two eyes having no window in between us. With my two feet on the ground, the hot pavement seeping through my worn out sneakers, I place my hands in my jean pockets to avoid being seen with balled fists.