Found Again

one

Lazy days are some of the best for me. They're the kind of days where you can curl up under a blanket and let time fly by, not having a care in the world. Watching silly films and eating ridiculous amounts of food are the best for me. Really, these kind of days are a special treat. After the engagement party last month, Elliot and I have been non stop planing for things, wedding and after. It seemed like all we did for a while, and it still is. This is the first lazy day I've had since we started planning.

'Hey, guys.' Elliot says glumly.
'Hey.' Me and Caspar chorus in unison. Hearing my best friend sniffle, I turn around on the sofa. She's turned away from me now, but she seems to be shaking her arms back and forth, her head tilted to the ceiling. 'Are you okay, El?' I ask her, frowning. She spins round to look at me, and a fake smile spreads across her face. 'Yeah, fine.' She's not. She's so not. Her eyes are bloodshot and watery, and grey streaks of diluted mascara are staining her cheeks.

'No, you're not.' I say. At this, Caspar pauses the film and turns around - Ellie in his arms - to look at Elliot, too. She stands awestruck for a second, as if she is processing what I'm saying, and then she starts to shake her head and her face winces with the pressure of holding back the tears brimming in her eyes. 'Joe!' She shouts. Her voice sounds distant and far off, rather like her gaze. Joe comes running up the stairs immediately after Elliot's shout, and looks at her sympathetically. 'We need to tell them.' She whispers. Joe nods as a reply.

He grabs her hand and leads her to an armchair, sitting her on his knee. 'Me - me and Joe tried for a baby last month.' She says, sniffling. I glance at Joe. His face is solemn and looks as hard as a rock, like he's concentrating on everything Elliot says. 'And well . . . it didn't work.' She says, her voice catching. 'Again.'
'Oh, Elliot! I'm so sorry.' I gasp, jumping up and rushing to hug my best friend. 'W - we've decided to stop trying.' She manages through sobs.

It's at this that I'm unsure of what to say to her. All I can feel is sadness. Joe wraps his arms around Elliot, who is now trying to bite her lip in an effort to stop herself from crying, and tears are falling silently into her lap. 'Guys -' Caspar starts, but he doesn't finish his sentence. What can we say to them? We have a kid of our own, how can we imagine how they must be feeling? Ellie's big blue eyes look from me and Caspar to Elliot and Joe, and she makes an odd gurgling noise, and it's almost like she knows what's going on. 'C'mere, you.' I say, lifting Ellie up from Caspar's lap and putting her onto Elliot's knee. Surprisingly, this doesn't make her cry more. It makes her smile. She holds Ellie and bobs her up and down on her knees, and Ellie smiles, showing her toothless mouth.

'Guys, you may not be able to have children but you can still have children. I mean, you could adopt, you could get someone else to carry your baby for you -'
'We know. We can't rule out everything, of course not. But it's - it's just so difficult.' Elliot sniffles. Joe is still quiet. I nod and squeeze her hand. 'I'm so sorry, hon.' I whisper.

There's a deadly silence for a while. Then, Caspar stands. 'We are not sitting here like a bunch of miserable bast -'
'Caspar!' I hiss, covering Ellie's ears as she looks up at her father intently.
'Sorry.' He whispers back. 'Anyways, let's do something fun. If you don't laugh you cry, at the end of the day.' He shrugs, and I unblock my daughter's ears.
'Yeah, okay. Are you both in?'
'I guess so.' Elliot shrugs, smiling at Ellie as she speaks. She turns to Joe. 'Babe?'
'Sure.' Is Joe's reply, which he says in monotone.

'Alright.' Caspar pulls on his shoes, making silly faces at Ellie as he looks up, who smiles. She hasn't yet laughed. I glance over at Elliot and Joe. They have their heads together and are muttering, wrapped in each other's arms. Handing Ellie to Caspar, I quickly pull on my shoes and say, 'We'll meet you guys by the elevator, okay?'
'Yeah, sure.' Elliot mumbles in reply. Caspar and I leave the apartment, Ellie gurgling as we walk down the hallway. 'Poor things,' I mumble to Caspar. 'Imagine if we didn't have Ellie, that's how they must feel.' I feel emotional just at the thought. And I can't help feeling that it's all my fault that they can't have children.