KOI NO YOKAN

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

"When I saw her again when I saw her on my apartment, I couldn't figure out why she was there, after everything that happened, I didn't understand what she was doing there, she started telling me all the things I did, and made her do what she did, she started telling me that I don't loved her enough and that I chose my own dream rather than choosing her, I was so mad when I heard that, I allowed it to get in my head, I didn't know what to do but to listen to what she said. Kasi baka tama nga siya, baka kasalanan ko rin nga talaga." Jathen's mind went back to that day but he wasn't feeling anything anymore.

He took a sip from the wine glass and he knew Ithiel was staring at him, but he didn't feel anything bad about it for what it was worth, it comforted him to know that she was looking at him.

"I think I matured a little bit to be able to accept now that maybe I really did, baka nga hindi ko talaga siya mahal noon kagaya ng iniisip ko, kagaya ng paniniwala ko when I left the Philippines and pursued my dream with my friends, baka nga tama siya, she should know, right? She was the recipient of the love I gave, there's no way she was lying, was I wrong the whole time?" natawa siya ng mahina and his eyes stared at the empty plate.

"When it happened, I was so confused and angry, I started getting angry at myself and to her, and to Him, kasi bakit hinayaan niya pa na bumisita si Xanthe sa apartment ko? Hindi ba niya alam na gusto ko na mag-bagong buhay? Bakit hinayaan niya 'yung taong nanakit sa akin na bumalik sa mukha ko? What? To tell me all the things and make sure I will suffer the same way she did? Or was she just simply expecting an apology from me? How could I say sorry for something I didn't know? I started ranting everything to him, lately ko lang na-realized na her, showing up on my face the day after my birthday made me talk to Him more, it made me read His word more than what I was first doing, I fell deep, I seek more." he smiled to himself and finally had the courage to looked up at her.

"When I was in misery after I watched her get married to somebody else, I remember Kweslin first and then my mind was fixed on you, I was too embarrassed and shy to ask Kwes, I thought she kind of knew me more than you know me, she's dating my best friend, and I was too coward and embarrassed to ask my own best friend too. I heard once that it's better to open up to a stranger rather than to someone you personally know because a stranger can't really judge you since they don't know you much, and so I was determined to talk to you, I didn't know we were gonna be here after that." nataw aisya ng mahina making Ithiel chuckled too.

"I thought if I ever talk to Erreo about it, baka i-judge niya ako and I thought maybe he'll think that I was just joking, I don't wanna be transparent to them too, to my friends, every since that wedding happened, nakabantay na sila sa akin, and I was getting sick of it, parang 'di ako makahinga kapag nasa paligid ko sila, that I can't be weak in front of them, that I can't cry kasi baka mas mag-alala sila sa akin, and I don't really wanna do that to them anymore, I need help, but not from them, I didn't think they can handle me anymore, they're struggling too, you know?" that made Ithiel nodded slowly as she listened to him.

"I don't think they will understand me too, and I was too tired and exhausted to explain everything, I was hurting so hard that the only thing you could understand what I'm currently going through was by looking at my heart... and the only one who can do that is–"

"God." Ithiel finished it, making them both smile a little.

"He is good, so good, since I'm starting to hate my own life and I'm getting so fed up and sick of it, I gave it to him, it wasn't easy because I think at some point I'm still worldly, and I need to surrender a few things to finally commit to him completely, eto na gusto kong gawin, eh. There are so many things ahead of me to learn and to see, I haven't been at this peace for so long, I don't think I ever experienced something like this before, not even when going up on stage or being with the people who support us, I thought I have everything that an make me happy, but I don't think any amount of money can buy God's presence." he put his eyes back at Ithiel who's smiling at him.