The Inside To My Out

To End or Not To End

I thought that was going to be the day. The end of the dark. The end of the battles inside my mind. The end of hiding. I could feel my clock ticking.
Tiktok, Tiktok went my clock. The inside workings of my mind. It was and still is a loud ticking inside. Counting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years of my life.
Sitting alone. Pretending. Listening and watching everyone and everything going on around me. Stuck inside the inner makings of my mind. Inside the deep dark depths of despair. Checking over my list. How my day will go. From when school finishes to if I go home and do it or don't go home at all.

I look up. I see a light. Small but there. It's an attractive boy from the other class. Calling me over.
Do I go over or not. No one has ever noticed me before. Mum and dad don't love me, my sister doesn't love me. I am scared of the boys. I am scared of men. I am scared of home. I am scared of the world. Do I go and trust this stranger. Maybe I can. Maybe he will want me. My family don't but he might.
I stand and walk over. I see my childhood friend Nate. I greet him first to try and get comfortable with this new group.
I turn and greet the very handsome boy.
James. Dark unruly hair, dark brown eyes. Strong muscles. He can keep me safe. Maybe. Maybe someone will love me. Will want me.

We exchange numbers and social media.
We texted. A lot. I found him to be a bit of a bad boy. But not in the rule breaker kind. The horny teenager kind. It excited me. I was finally being noticed.
He was kind, caring and would listen to my struggles. I loved how he wanted to know me. He didn't care about what the others at school thought about me. He didn't care they deemed me the ugliest girl in school. He wanted me. I wanted him too.
I was falling in love. I like this boy a lot.
Weeks go by. And I find my heart fluttering. Butterflies in my stomach. His smile so blinding it's breaking through the inside of my dark mind. I'm gonna ask him out. But I'm too shy so I'll message him.
I was so scared of rejection. I have only ever know rejection. I didn't want it again. I couldn't handle it again. I slammed my laptop shut. Run out of the room breath in and out. Minuets go by.
Let's go check if he replied.
Get ready he won't want you. Why would he, when your own family hate you. Hate your voice, your laughing, your personality. So why would he?

I opened the laptop look at the screen.
He said "yes I was about to ask you that. You beat me to it"

He said yes.

TO BE CONTINUED