Staring Over

Chapter 5

I can't remember a lot of my teenage time when I was living with my grandparents because of how hard it was for me. I definitely fit into the depressed rebellious teenager persona. I had free access to pain pills and alcohol and I used them every chance possible. I tried many pills without knowing what I was taking. If it made me numb or made me forget all the anger and hurt that was in me I took it. There are many pills that I have no knowledge of what they were called. I also had an obsession with knives, I freely admit I loved cutting to get the pain out of me. There were many and many days I questioned why I was alive and prayed to the spirits to not let me wake up and when I would I became angry.

I didn't understand, and sometimes still don't, how people can be happy while being forced to do stuff that doesn't make them happy. How could you be happy when you aren't being yourself? Being forced to be someone I am not made me angry and having family constantly criticize me made me feel worthless.

Sure I had my friends but it wasn't the same. I knew they accepted me but I also didn't completely trust them. I admit I kept them distant because I was always thinking they were going to one day walk away and it wouldn't hurt as bad when they did. I let them in some but looking back, I should have let them in more and sooner.

As for my creepy asshole neighbor, Eric? Well, it was weird. We very much had a hate filled relationship. Every time we looked at each other it was with anger and disgust. Name calling was our game and snarky comments were our communication. Anyone around us could tell that we despised each other and my friends would try to make sure I wasn't around him when possible since all he did was piss me off. It was like it was a thrill for him to see just how mad he could make me and I hated that he had that power over me.

It confused the hell out of me on why he would get such a rise out of me and constantly throw nasty remarks at me if he didn't like me. If he couldn't stand me then leave me the hell alone. Ignore me, stay away from me, something, it just didn't make any sense. And why did his remarks get on my nerves so much but I couldn't care less about anyone else's? I hated feeling his eyes on me when I would go on walks, it was like tingles on my skin and I just wanted to scratch them off. Every single time I left I knew he was watching, even when I didn't see him on the porch, I could still feel it. I hated it and I hated that I hated it. I wanted to be numb, I didn't want to feel anything. If I didn't feel, then I wouldn't be hurt anymore. No one cared anyway so it was just better to not care either.

And then one afternoon I was walking back to my grandparents house, blatantly ignoring Eric's friend that was following me. I hated that boy almost as much as I hated my neighbor. They were both annoying but this kid, Nick, was one of those boys that thought he was the coolest shit ever. He was so egotistical I often wondered why his head didn't look like Conehead or now looking back into my past I think he would have more resembled the Red Queen from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. He was saying something but thankfully I had headphones in and was holding my CD player a certain way so it wouldn't skip as I walked.

Just as I started walking up the driveway to try and get away from Nick, movement out of my peripheral vision caught my attention. A quick glance showed me Eric rising from his chair on the wrap around porch to lean against the wooden railing. He pulled his cigarette from his mouth and curled his finger in a come hither movement. To this day I seriously don't know what came over me, I don't know if it was just the fact of knowing it would piss off Nick, piss off my grandparents since they couldn't stand Eric, or what, but whatever the hell it was, I pushed open the gate separating our yards and climbed the steps onto the porch.

"What?" I asked as I turned off Slipknot and crossed my arms over my chest, holding the CD player to me. Without saying a word, he wrapped his fingers around my arm and walked us back to his chair, pulling me onto his lap as he sat.

"Whoa, when did you two get together?" Nick asked as shock painted his face.

I shifted to regain some balance and distance between us but Eric just wrapped his arm around my waist, pinning me to him, and smirked arrogantly, "Just now."

"What?" I murmured as I looked down into his crystal blue eyes. I opened my mouth to shut him down and correct the situation but he sent me a glare that glued the words to my throat.

"You heard me."

The images of my grandparents' faces and the anger that it would cause when they found out filled my mind as did the anger on Nick's face. Rebellion filled my veins and I shrugged, "Fuck it."