Celestia as Walter White

part 1

Princess Celestia never feared for her own life. As ruler of Equestria, and the one responsible for the sun, she could never afford fear. No fear, no doubt, none of that would help the people of Equestria. Only dedication and courage, wisdom and experience, would lead them through the trying times they often found themselves in.

So she was not afraid when Mikan Tsumiki told her, with uncharacteristic frankness, that she had cancer. And that it was terminal. No fear, only confusion.

"What?"

"U-Uhm, did you not hear me...? Princess... Y-You h-h-have terminal cancer.... I'm so sorry!"

Celestia did not move, though her mane continued to wind through the wind. Its glimmering, rainbow shine, seemed a bit darker in that beige-lit office. "I see." Was her only verbal response, as she bowed her horn to the disheveled nurse. She kept it there a little too long.

—

Skyler looked at Equestria-New Mexico's last quarter financial report. It wasn't looking good. She looked up as the castle doors slammed open.

"Hey honey, I'm back from the doctor's" Celestia managed a weary smile to her weary wife. Skyler managed a nod in return.

"How was the checkup?"

Celestia's horse mouth became a fine line, except it wrapped around a snout so it was more like a U. Skyler knew that look. It wasn't good.

"Leukemia"

Skyler's heart dropped.

Haliey Welch frowned. She was tired after an intense four hours of filming her hit podcast Talk Tuah, and now the princess had terminal illness.

"I'm so sorry princess. Hawk tuah"

"Spit on that thang" Celestia replied, with the faintest smile. It was the least she could do after Hailey had come all this way.

It alway helped to have her around to break bad news. And Celestia had a lot of that to be doing.

"What? Cancer?" Skyler was stunned, a deer in the headlights. Her brother in law, meanwhile, was less confused.

"Cancer? I hardly know her!" The chuckle of bones was welcome and yet unrewarded, as only Hailey laughed. That too broke when no one joined her.

Cancer. Just the word could freeze the once warm room. How they would break the news to young Komeada was something they didn't have the luxury of worrying about later. Celestia might not have had a "later".

—

Twilight hummed as she skipped to Canterlot Castle. It's not everyday that she is summoned to Canterlot Castle for a "top secret mission" by Celestia herself. The letter that Celestia sent described a room deep in the depths of the castle's basement. She wonders what kind of job must be done in such secrecy.

The stairs down were wet and mossy, winding down as far as she could see. As she finally reached the bottom, she faced an old wood door with a big metal knocker. It flew open before she could knock. Celestia pulled her into the room and slammed the door behind them.

"P-Princess!" Twilight stammered, the wind knocked out of her- but Celestia had already let go of her, and was bouncing around the room, collecting glass vials and tubs of clear fluids.

"Twilight we have to cook" Celestia called from the back of the room, setting a large vial on an open flame.

"What?"

"Your student loan debts. They weigh heavy on you, I can tell. Not much money in research, I know."

Celestia turned around and took her lab goggles off, hooves sandwiching a metal sheet tray with light blue crystals, looking at Twilight for the first time properly. Torchlight bounced off the tray, dancing in Twilight's wide eyes. No, that couldn't be...

"I have a solution that could help both of us"

—

For all her life Princess Celestia had used her magic for good. It was of friendship, after all, lifting the warm sun over the wasteland of New Mexico. But just as she didn't when she was ruler, Celestia did not hesitate. She mixed the ingredients that Twilight told her would work, which she was assured would create the most powerful concoction.

Not a potion, not the kind she had dealt with all her life. But a drug. Methamphetamine. And it looked as blue as the sky over Equestria. "Yo Ms. Celestia, this shit looks clean!"

"Clean? I would hope so." Had she done something wrong? No, of course it had to be clean. Everything Celestia did was clean.

"No no, I mean, yeah of course it's clean. I mean it's good, I mean. It's the bomb!" Said Twilight as she lifted a batch and scarfed it down her throat.

Celestia couldn't stop her the first time, but the second spoonful she shot down with her hoove. "No. We don't get high on our own supply, Twilight."

"Man, since when?" Twilight was visibly upset, but Celestia's gaze was firm. "Fine. Fine, I guess you're the boss..." She picked up meth off the floor with her magic and brought it up to the counter.

"But it's good, you said?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, really good."

This made Celestia made a queer feeling. A funny feeling she hadn' felt in a long time, in fact, she never felt it. But it seemed so familiar. Like a feeling lying deep within her that she'd been ignorant of until now. "So, now what?"

"Now what? What do you mean?"

"I mean, what do we do with it? Do you have a dealer or a distributor?"

"Ohh, like that." Twilight put her hoover on her chin as she thought. Celestia was thinking too. "Yeah. Yeah I think I might know someone...."

—

Sayori Goodman made her opposition to the plan clear. "I uh, really don't think they'll appreciate the intrusion!"

But Twilight didn't let the pink haired swindler make any excuses. "You said you could make it work. So make it work, bitch!"

Celestia said nothing, but her gaze matched with Twilight's words overpowered the weak creature. And so she slowly opened the door to Los Pollos Hermanos...

To find Toronto Miku in discussion with her right hand man, Mike Ermentraut. "The fuck?"

"Miku, I tried to keep them them away, but you gotta understand they-"

"Miku. We hear you distribute meth. We have meth to sell. How about we cut a deal?" Celestia spoke with all the regal and confidence of a leader.

"I don't make deals with wastemans, fam. Finger, show these croddies the door." Miku moved back behind the counter of the store, ready to let Mike do as she would.

"My son is dead!" Celestia yelled, for all faces to turn towards her.

Even Twilight was shocked. "Dude...?"

"My son, Nagito Komeada, was shot dead in Memphis." Few ponies could turn such a tragedy into a bargaining chip. But Celestia was not most ponies.

"Boss?" Mike turned back to the blue haired kingpin, hand in pocket and gun in hand. But Miku's face was harder to read.

"Okay twin. Let's break bad."