The Girl Next Door • Carl Grimes

Chapter 26: Empty

TW: assault / SA mentions⚠️

Grace

After it happened I didn't know how to go forward. I honestly always figured my first "romantic" experience would be with Carl. Or someone. Not a grown man with a gun to my head.

Everyone just walked back to our cell block completely silent, except for Rick saying angry shit to the prisoners who didn't seem to know what the hell was going on either.

Carl had given me his jacket since my shirt was ripped in half nearly. He tried to put his arm around me while we walked back but I shoved him out of the way.

Why did I do that?

I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to feel anyone or anything on me after what had just happened.

I wanted to be held, but I knew it would feel too "gross"

I wanted to rip all of my skin off. Get rid of everything that he touched. I felt so sick, like I could just throw up for hours.

I felt really tired and empty, like I just wanted to lie around forever and not do anything ever again. I felt disgusted.

I was so upset. I felt like it was my fault, even though it wasn't, but I shouldn't have snuck off with Carl in the first place. I have to keep him safe too.

And why did I have to sneak off again to make a point? I just scarred myself, and even more so, Carl for life. He had to see it all happen, all of it, and even worse he had to kill 2 guys.

As we got back to our cell block Maggie walked with me to the shower rooms. I'm glad I had her.

I started to hear Rick shouting at Carl. I felt terrible, I had gotten us into this mess. But obviously Rick isn't going to yell at the girl who just got assaulted.

I started to wonder if Maggie had been through something similar. She seemed like she knew exactly how to help me, and she seemed deeply effected by what happened.

I still stood there being unable to move, just there staring blankly. She stood behind me and started to take off my clothes for me.

I got really scared and snapped out of my feeling of shock for a moment but then I knew she was just Maggie, and she was just helping. I shut my eyes tight though. I didn't want to see myself.

Maggie cleaned my body as I cried in the shower floor.

"Kiddo. It's so hard right now, and it will be for a while. You'll beat it. You beat him. It'll never not hurt you, but everyday it hurts less and less. And closing yourself off from all men isn't going to help. It hurts more in the end. And usually they're the ones who care about you most. Like Carl. I mean, he killed two guys. He's just as angry as you are, maybe even more. He just wants to help." She told me.

She was right.

I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yeah but Maggie, all hands feel the same on your skin. I know they have different intents but it just hurts. It feels like a fire burning through, or huge spikes impaling my skin and bones. I don't know how I'll get past it." I told her honestly.

"Accept the help. You can close yourself off but not to everyone. Not me, not Glenn, not Rick, not Lori, not Carl, not Daryl or Beth. I know the people you care for most and who cares most for you. If you need to close yourself off it's ok. It's normal. But keep us. You need everyone, but I know you need us. We will help you. I promise." She told me

"I know. You are right, but I don't wanna look at anyone else, touch anyone else, or have them touch me, don't you get it?" I said.

"Yeah, Grace I do. But you're talking to me, naked, looking at me while I'm cleaning your body. I think we're already off to a good start." She told me.

She was right, I didn't freak out or anything. I was okay with it. That was good.

"Wait you're right... thank you Maggie. I love you. I don't know what I would do without you." I said

She just smiled at me, shut off the water and helped me up off the tile. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me. She took another and patted my hair dry with it.

She called Carol in with a clean pair of clothes and I changed into them.

Maggie grabbed the clothes I was wearing when it happened, turned to me and smiled and said "We're gonna burn these sons of bitches."

I cracked a small smile back at her.

I walked down the stairs from the showers to see helpless Carl against his bed in his cell, knees to his face and his sheriff hat in his hands.

The reality of it all hit me again as I saw everyone's sad eyes on me. I knew they meant well but I didn't want to be the person everyone frowned at in pity when I walked past.

I walked into Carl's cell and just sat next to him. Knees up to my chest.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

He looked up at me, so confused and sad.

"You're sorry? Why? You d- you didn't do anything. I'm sorry, I wish I had gotten there sooner-" he started to ramble and tears were in his eyes.

"Carl. It's nature. It's how people work. It's evil and vile. I wish it weren't. He was a sick person. I'm sorry because if I hadn't walked off to fuck around, everything would be ok right now. Carl, you killed two guys for me. That scares me. Not because you killed someone. But that you did it for me. I'm scared of how far you'll go for me..." I said slowly.

"I will go as far as I can for you Grace. I love y-" he started.

"Carl no. You cant. Do it for your mom, your soon to be sibling, and your dad. Not for me, not for anyone else. You stay alive before anyone else so if you can, you can save them. Don't kill people for me, for the group unless you need to. Don't risk it all for me, Carl. Please Carl. Promise you won't, Carl." I begged him. I couldn't let him do stuff like this.

"I cant promise you any of that Grace." He said as he placed his hand on my knee. I got a sickening feeling to my stomach and an urge to pull away, but I knew I had to beat this.

I sunk into his chest and grabbed at his shirt.

"Thank you for saving me." I said muffled under him.

He just held onto me tight and said,"Oh Grace, I'll always save you."

As we say there I told him most of the stuff I told Maggie. I told him how I felt and how I felt about everyone else now.

"I get it. What just happened was.." he started getting really angry and clenching his fists, "d-disgusting. But I promise I'd never hurt you, nor would any of us here." He said.

"I know you're right. I wanna believe you." I gathered my thoughts,"But I don't know how." I continued.
I started to silently cry.

He grabbed onto me and held me tight until it was all over.

I was so lucky to have him.

"Carl?"

"Yeah"

"What if this is just the first. What if it doesn't stop happening." I asked

"I don't know. If it does I'll keep fucking killing them." He said.

I chuckled lightly and sighed.

The conversation was great, and I was already starting to recover from my assault. But the worst thing, he was right.

Hey y'all! I'm sorry for another really sad chapter. But I knew I couldn't just brush past it. But grace is strong, just like all of the SA survivors out there. If you, or a friend has ever experienced SA don't be afraid to speak up. They keep trying to silence us but that is NOT ok.
This is the national SA hotline, call it if you are in need  800.656.4673
and the chat option
online.rainn.org