Dear fucking (die)ary,
It's already 8:18 pm. I feel like I'm dead. I don't feel like living. Once and for all, I want to end everything. I'm so confused about why I am still breathing and forced to live in this fucked up society. Do you think there's still hope for me out there? I'm sick of socializing, I hate our house but I hate school even more. I hate the fact that I can't be me in front of everyone because I'm afraid that I'll be judged. I miss my friends back in my hometown but I don't think that they miss me. Maybe my ate is right, na kapag umalis ako sa Tagaytay yung iba kong kakilala hindi ko na makakausap. Maybe that's what's happening. I opened a conversation with them and you know what did? They just ignored me. I know that they also have problems maybe that's why they can't answer my questions or they just hate me hahaha. That makes me hate myself even more. Why can't I be the old me? I can't keep up with my classmates now!! I fucking hate myself. I'm doing all that I can. I'm waking up early just to study and always sleep late pero parang wala talagang nangyayari. Bakit parang wala akong kasama? Feeling ko mag-isa lang ako. I'm starting to accept na marami lang talaga akong kakilala at wala talaga akong kaibigan. Maybe I'm really just a floater friend. Alam mo yun, nagpopost sila ng pictures nila together while you're just there, staring at your phone, staring at their pictures together, being happy, having a strong bond. While you cannot even have fun because there's a midterms na paparating na alam mo sa sarili mo na ibabagsak mo lang naman. I want to watch conjuring with my friends but they don't like horror movies hahaha. I wasn't like this before. I was doing great last month. I was happy last month. Life is worth living last month. What happened to me? What fucking happened to me? I was doing great in academics last year and now look at me, I'm going to have a remedial in my major subject which is pre cal. Maybe I'll have 75 in my grade that I didn't have when I was in high school. I always had a line of 9 back in high school. Ang manhid manhid ko, ang tanga tanga. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, All that is precious to me is starting to drift away from me. I miss the old me. I miss the academically active me, the cheerful me. I miss her so much.
Yours Sincerely,
Moreenga
Dear Fucking (Die)ary,
Day passed and I still fell so alone. To be exact, it's already the 27th of September, 10:23pm. I am so done with my life. I can't even afford the fare just to attend the practice for the zumba that we've been working for for weeks. Arghhh ayoko na talaga kingina. Gusto ko na lang masagasaan, masaksak, o kaya naman ay makidnap, baralin at itapon sa ilalim ng tulay. Gusto ko na talagang mamatay. Feeling ko naleleft out na ako at naiiwan na ng panahon. Alam mo yun? You're friends are having a new friend while eto ako stuck in my daily life at walang talent makipag socialize. Maybe in another life I'm good at socializing. Tingin mo ba maaachive ko pa yun?
Yours Sincerely,
Moreenga
