In the end it never matters//Dazai angst :)

01

song for chapter 01 :)

 - Lonely day ~ system of a down// Should've been me ~ Mitski (basically anything emo) 

Tws-
My shit writing
Sewercide
non BSD cannon stuff

I sit on the edge, My legs loosely dangling beneath me, a normal person would be scared of this, be scared of slipping off the edge, of being gone forever, lost into a pitch blackness that people deceive as happiness, as an eternal reward for all you do well.

I've never believed in that, in a happy do-gooder place for those who deserve it, and even if I did I'm sure I wouldn't end up there.

back on track, I think It's clear I'm not a 'normal person', I don't remember ever being one since all of my early years were those of pain, of sadness and agony. Maybe that's why I am the way I am, or maybe it's because of my Mafia years, which are all blended together at this point, infused with Continued pain and dull stares, maybe, But who cares?

In the end I don't think how I became this way is important anymore, If all goes well I won't be on this earth for much longer so why should anyone care how I ended up at this point?

Well.. other than those who deserve to know, I know I would leave one person with more questions than others, with more pain because no matter how hard I tried to make him seriously hate me he never did, one person who would miss me more than he should, Chuuya Nakahara. I don't know why he would care, but I know he would blame himself partially, because for some reason he's that kind of person, for a mafia member he really cares, which is rare.

This is why I will leave him a note, an explanation of sorts, because.. he deserves it, He would be angry if I didn't give one, equally at himself and at me. and he doesn't deserve that, he's too... enthusiastic, lively, if he was stuck pitying himself, pitying me, he wouldn't be able to move on, I can't have that, I can't burden him.. I can't ruin his future.

and so, the note is made, a simple explanation, a goodbye with a little smiley next to it, as if me being happy about this might make him happy as well.

I glance over the edge, observing the sight.

 There are a few Civilians, all not noticing the unstable person above them, there is a mother with two children, probably a good idea to wait until they leave, I wouldn't want to traumatize random kids, There's also some teens One holds a vape and is passing it around to the others, Vapes confuse me, I'd rather hurt myself directly than through a battery pack, Maybe that's not justified though since I hurt myself anyway and hurt is more 'casual' to me I guess, There's also an elderly.. person, with the brightest white hair I've ever seen, for their age they still have that 'I'm glad to be alive' feel about them, like Chuuya, they somehow still seem happy and content with their situation, I don't know how they do that, But I'm.. glad they are oblivious, or maybe just normal?

well.. no more pondering hm? The lady has walked her children back to her car, buckling them in safely and driving away, the Elderly person disappearing into a nearby restaurant and the teens being reprimanded by an older man, perhaps a father or sibling of one of the teens, he ushers them into a car an annoyed expression clear on his face even from here.

I unbuckle my coat, the relief of the Itchy fabric no longer being rubbed against my skin makes me feel free, confirmed that this must be the right decision, I set the note on top of it, the coat being a little gift for whomever wants it, the note however is addressed specifically to Chuuya, my Chuuya.. I wonder if he'll feel free when I'm gone too, like he has one less burden to deal with, I hope he does, although hope never really effects anything does it?