Want to love, want to die ~ A Manchester United Fanfiction

Chapter 1

Scott McTominay's Point of View

18th July 2024

"I'm in love," Marcus said, looking panicked about it, and also kinda happy. "Oh... that's... great." I said, avoiding eyecontact, knowing that I was as well and had been for a long time, but knowing that it wasn't me he meant. "and it's Bruno." he said, and I had to be honest expected that. He's seemed very protective of him lately, and always wanting to hang out with him and not me, which I did not like. I felt kind of forgotten, but I knew that I weren't as important anymore. "You don't ehh..." he started saying. I looked up at him with a raised brow waiting for him to continue. "You don't seem so happy for me..." he said looking a bit confused. "Uh..." I said looking down again. "Sorry, I'm just a bit tired." I said, forcing on a fake smile. He stayed quiet, and so did I, total silence filling the room. I know he doesn't know yet, I know it hasn't crossed his mind how I feel about him. I wish I could just say 'I love you, Marcus Rashford' but I can't, and I'll never be able to. I'm never going to be able to forgive myself if I don't stop loving him. I've already hurt myself mildly trying to force the love out of my system. 'Hurt'... I don't cut or anything like that, that's why I said it was mild. I've hit myself a bit, but I mostly do it mentally. Mentally how? Like, telling myself a bunch of things that's probably not true, but my head telling me that it is true. I shook my head and dug my nails into skin, having totally forgotten that I was in a room with Marcus. "Are you okay?" he asked breaking the silence, with a worried tone as well. My eyes widened as I realised he was here. "Yeah... I'm just... surprised." I said, even though I wasn't surprised and I wasn't okay. "Alright then..." he said, not thinking more of it. Just then his phone went off, and he got up. "Sorry, I have to go..." he said. And before I had the chance to ask why, he left. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I need to find a solution, I really need to seal those damn feelings away. He's my best friend, and he will NEVER be more than that. Without much of a thought, I hit myself hard across the face. Suck it up, Scott, having those feelings is wrong. Nobody have or will ever love you, just give up. To be fair, the most effective way I've tried yet is the one I feel most ashamed of. I really appreciate that someone wants to help me, but I feel guilty by doing the things we do. I unlocked my phone and looked at the letters spelled above the number I was about to call. 'Diogo' it read. Ever since that one time when he caught me almost having a panic attack, and I then practically had to explain to him what was going on, he insisted on helping me find a way to stop loving Marcus. And that way was a very interesting way. I sighed as I called his number, only waiting around 10 seconds before he picked up. "Hi Scottie." the portugese said, probably a smile on his face, at least a tone telling me that he was smiling. "Hi..." I began to say, feeling guilty and sad already. "Wanna meet up?" he asked, me being able to tell in his voice that he knew that something had happened again. "Yeah..." I sighed, also wanting to talk to him about something while we're at it anyways. "Alright, I'll be there in 10." he said. He lives close to me, so it's not that much trouble to make it out here. But something in me tells me that we might not live close for much longer.