This is a journey through the mind of a 17 year old named
McKenzie. There will be endless parts to this...
My thoughts are free for all.Stay and experience them Or not it's up to you, you lucky fuck..
A few things you should know before you read my mind. Im in theater I love to act and paint and write and explore the world.... This is me
Ps: I don't give a damn about grammar or punctuation... My mind doesn't feel punctuation ... I feel the words I'm writing
Part 1 out of alot:
*life*
I have no dreams hopes or aspirations of my future I live only in today... I live for today ... It's a sad lonely life but what'd else am I Gona do... I have this ever gaining feeling of worthlessness like I'll never make it anywhere ... It hurts and hurts and hurts but I dare tell a soul.... I keep happy... I float on like a lonely Lily pad drifting thru salt water ...I dream of a happier time in life ... I know one will come but the wait feels as if I be overdosed on Psychoactive drugs... crazy and overwhelming but slow and all you think about is the depressing fall back into dull life you have after using ...I compare how lost we all are in life to ants when it rains or forest Gump on his search for Jenny ...I see the presuit of happiness everyday but we all fall short like a kid trying to get on a roller coaster... It's funny life's like a roller coaster... Fun and terrifying at the same time but I'm in a closed park just along for the ride.
Part 2 of alot:
*love*
There's this feeling I get.I lay awake at night thinking of the time we went to the beach.The beautiful smile I saw on your face.These feelings of love are mixed between multiple beings.I've never been in love but I think I've felt it, I've felt it in the millions of small moments.The relationships where I've truely let my insecure nature go and trusted someone fully.Or maybe it's not about the trust I have in someone. when I held her hand in Middle school to impress the other kids,then she held it back and kissed my face,I had no trust in her but I loved that moment.I don't love that person at all,I never did .I don't know much about love but I know it exists.well maybe it exists.I don't know,I don't even know if these moments I described are real. I'm obsessed with this feeling and I can't let it go..
Part 3 of a lot:
*society*
Bloodshot eyes,The invisible hand reaching into the pockets of the empty minded till they have taken their last breath.we are a controlled society watched opon like ants.we the people under the foot of democracy.we the United human race under the foot of currency....
A society where all are equal and live in peace...what a pipedream fantasy... The fact is we are a lost cause ... Rats feeding off the cheese of the rich ... Living exactly how they want us to.. we are content with life because we are scared... I personally hate living knowing that we aren't in control of our destiny ... I feel as if Society has it all decided long before our birth
................born,work,buy things,get life insurance,die... The American dream
Part 4 of alot:
*childhood*
I'm watching the Rugrats.I come home from school and heat up dollar burritos in the microwave.I run around the culdasac and have adventures in my backyard.playing game boy color and breaking my GameCube after I lost something in starfox .falling fast for the vast array of my ideas.I couldn't stop them from overflowing onto the paper even at the age of 6. I guess that's why I am who I am... My childhood was full of macaroni art and losing my grandfather.I struggled with understanding myself,I still do. I grew as a person like the Nickelodeon program all grown up.Life became something tangible and I fell out of my euphoric childhood thoughts and into a person with real problems. I grew up to fast.
Part 5 of alot:
*want*
I want something something real and completely excessive ... I have a deep connected feeling when i look at you ... I want to be able to lay with you and watch old movies and play air hockey for hours and tell each other everything... i want to get lost in your words and the taste of your lips ... I find myself staring at you ... Every moment im near you im anxious and have a panic attack because i might fuck up something or some reality where you'd date me .. i want to be with you but i doubt professing my emotions will help the fact im not in the same social class as you and dont have the same friends that you do. Im me and your you and i guess im psychologically fucked up for saying it but a girl like you wouldn't love me.. someone so profoundly perfect it sickens me that i fall for you with such child like ease
Part 5 of alot:
*end*
Everything beautiful comes to an end.flowers wilt no matter how much you water them or how many of those pellets of nutrients you give them.when a movie stops it cuts to black and the credits roll like a eulogie at a funeral.I'm sitting here wanting a refund,or a longer movie with more ... More life...
the truth is everything ends ..
Part 6 of alot:
*mind*
My mind is in a whole other dimension.while I sit here staring at a painting of whatever the fuck I dreamed about last night.I drift off and lose focus of the room around me.I can't control my mind from here . I drop ever so slowly into a world of my creation.A simplistic black and white world fading into colorful hues of light,I hear static and see shadowy figures of colorful suits.I fall back into a room of sharp rose petals and notice that ...I can't open my eyes because what I imagine is so vivid... I can't control my mind.. I often float away to some other place.
Part 7 of alot
*confusion*
What do you mean you don't feel like I do about you .. how can I spill my heart open to you ... I followed you around like a god Damn lap dog. It's funny I thought you gave a fuck. It turns out your just like everyone else. I feel used like a cheap fucking whore.but I guess that's why I end up hurting those who care... I'm so used to something that feels so right hurting me so bad... Like gonorrhea after good sex....
Ps:"I don't have any stds"
I will end the first part of many on that note...
