Naomi(e)

Chapels one

6:37PM

As I felt the warm water of the bath water fill my lungs, I thought, just for a moment, "why am i doing this?" it burned. My throat, my eyes. 

I was dying. As much as I dreamed about death, how many times I had thought it over, last night when I planned how I was going to do it, it did not think it would hurt this much. 

Water filling my ears, I relied on the shake of the old house as the front door opened, Max, my older brother must be home. I shot up, albeit weakly. Coughing up water back into the bath. Soaking wet, weighed down by my now healy sweater. 

I pulled the plug, but I still stood in the bath. Throat still burning. 

"Naomi." Max called for me. I did not answer. My voice would have given it away. 

I am 14, I have been for 3 months, I still feel 12. When I was 12, I felt 10. The years moved too fast since then. My brain had no time to register the maturing of the world around me. Max was 24 now, working most of the time to support us. It has been 4 years since mom died. 13 since dad left us, that was my fault. Technically both were.

With Max working constantly, he never had the time to notice my declining mental and physical health. When I was 10, 5 months after mom died, I had a panic attack in the school bathroom. Max put me into a virtual school. I am never not home. By 11 I cut my hair off, long red hair now short, slicked back. It took 3 weeks for max to notice, cutting my hair was a good way to deal with the "cut yourself" thoughts. Until it wasn't. I was only 7 months into being 11 when I broke my pencil sharpener and dug it into my skin. Max has yet to notice that bit. I don't remember last year all that much. 

"Naomi!" He was now at the door to my bathroom.

"Just getting out of the bath." I say, quickly, praying he won't notice the scratch of my voice. 

"Okay, I got your favorite." My favorite was whatever he chose. Because I always loved it. Taste didn't matter, it wasn't going to stay in my stomach for long anyway. I heard him walk out my room, letting me have my privacy. 

7:08PM

Max brought some kind of cold meaty pizza, eating it slowly, so did I. Well, I didn't. 2 bites, chew, spit into my Walmart branded Hydro Flask. 

"How is highschool testing you? The first quarter is over. Your special help teacher called."

"It is called a resort. I'm dyslexic. Not special." I mumble, thinking for a moment. "What did she say?"

"Your top of your class. Agin." I did not respond, there was no need. We have had this conversion every year. I had to be the best. So that he wouldn't worry. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Are you not going to ask for praise like you always do?" I used to. From mom. Never him. I didn't need his love. We are 10 years apart. Never close. I killed our mom. I didn't need his hateful eyes faking love for me. 

"No thanks." he just nodded. 

9:56

We sat on the couch for about 2 hours in silence. Watching The old man and the sea movie adaptation. I had to watch it for school. And he sat through it. I went to my room after it ended, covering his sleeping body with a blanket. 

I sat on my bed, I haven't slept in two days. I keep having nightmares. So I just sit. For a while. Slowly, I get up, sitting at my desk. Turning on my computer as I write letters to my mother, my father, my brother, myself. Sorries to the little 4 year old girl who wanted to live forever. "What did you do?" Max's words from 4 years ago echo in my head as I pass out from lack of sleep. I killed mom. I killed my brother's chance of having a dad. I killed the fun boy he was. I killed that 4 year old me.I died at 10. I died in that car. My heart did stop. It should have never beat again.