Ghosts of the Clans

Chapter 14

"Antpelt.  I want to talk to you," hissed Swallowtail quietly one night. "What? Swallowtail, I'm on guard duty!" he protested. "Okay, then we talk here. Why aren't. we mates by now?"

Her direct and blunt question sent Antpelt reeling in surprise. Of all the things he'd expected, this question was the last thing on his mind. "Uh...well, I want to be a good warrior first, before I take a mate. Right now, any cat could say that I'm not worthy of you!" he admitted, staring down at his paws.

The dark gray she-cat gave him a swift lick on his black ear and pressed her pelt against his brown one. "You stupid furball. How dare any cat say that? Also, stop thinking so lowly of yourself; you're a great warrior, any cat who's not blind could see that." Suddenly unable to meet her piercing pale blue eyes, Antpelt mumbled, "I'm just not ready yet, Swallowtail. I'm still so young-how can I be a father to our future kits? Fine, I do like you...a lot, Swallowtail. Perhaps I even love you. But again, I'm not ready." 

Her eyes showed disappointment in them as she murmured, "I understand, Antpelt. It's just that Sedgewhisker just announced that she and Emberfoot were mates. And she's only been a warrior for two moons! I love you, Antpelt. And I will wait, for as long as it takes." Stricken to hear the sorrow in her voice, he reached out to nuzzle her affectionately.

Watching her small shape slide into the warriors' den, Antpelt felt a prick of emotion within his heart. What he hd told her was only the half-truth: He actually wanted cats to respect him just like they did for Flytail. Also, he did love Swallowtail a lot, so much that his heart yearned to just give in to love. But Flytail's memory had to be preserved within him, not Leaftail. His brother was already so much more popular than Antpelt!

Tearing his gaze away, he let out a small sigh. "A troubled sigh for someone this young," a voice behind him commented. It was Ashfoot. The Clan deputy sat behind him, watching him intently from glittering pale blue eyes. "Greetings, Ashfoot. Did you need me?" Antpelt dipped his head respectfully to the older warrior.

She shook her head and padded up to touch her nose to his ear. "I saw you staring after Swallowtail just now, and you look disturbed. Is there anything wrong?" she asked. Having a natural motherly instinct in her, Antpelt felt himself flooded with a sense of security, though not calm. He blurted, "Swallowtail and I love each other, but I'm just not ready to have a mate. But was that the right decision?"

Blinking slowly, Ashfoot recalled, "I had a mate, Deadfoot, and we had four kits together, Eaglekit, Downkit, Hillkit and Crowfeather. Three of them died, and Deadfoot too. Now, I only have Crowfeather." Confused, Antpelt inquired, "But what is that supposed to mean?"

Ashfoot snorted, half amused and half exasperated. "Toms! I'm trying to tell you that when Deadfoot and I were together with our kits as one loving family, it was the best feeling ever. But to lose all of them...now, that's something to think about. When I lost them, I would rather have been given a slow death than feel the pain in my heart."

Then, the gray she-cat padded away, leaving Antpelt to stare after her, bewildered. But as her words began to sink in, a wash of understanding flowed over him.

Thank you, Ashfoot, for helping me make my choice.