The Gambler's Den {Hualian}

2. Object of Desire

A/N: I've been kind of obsessed with Heaven Official's Blessing since I read it the beginning of this year (Jan-Feb) but I only just started writing for them in August. I am putting my oneshots here now case anyone would like to read them. ✨

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Xie Lian does not feel that sexual desire towards Hua Cheng that he feels he should as a husband, and they talk about it. Hua Cheng reassuring him he is fine exactly as he is.

Asexual Xie Lian, discussions of sexual activity, introspection, character study. Canonverse

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Roll 2
Confession

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Xie Lian was well aware how handsome his husband was. He thought of it every time he set eyes on him, to the point where it was fact that Hua Cheng was handsome, immutable, unchangeable. But he didn't think about having sex with him.

Kissing, sure, touching, absolutely, cuddling up next to each other to feel his warmth that wasn't there? He practically lives for that. But sex?

It's never been brought up, even after they were married, Hua Cheng never made him feel like he wanted to go further even when it sort of felt like that would be the natural progression. He was patient, but Xie Lian didn't want him wanting, waiting for something that would never come.

Just as he was aware of his husbands attractiveness, he was also aware of his attraction to him specifically. The cave if statues carved in his likeness, the murals drawn relating to events of their meetings, one mural specifically and one statue in particular.

Hua Cheng was attracted to him in that way, loved him, cherished him, and desired more...

Xie Lian also loved him, cherished him, of that there was no question but the desire for more eluded him completely.

Knowing the soul of his beloved was a challenge but he had come to grasp things about Hua Cheng as they spent more and more time together.

For one, he was ashamed of this desire, a self-loathing deep within his soul likely put there when he was still alive, a young boy, grappling with the tendencies of a supposed "deviant." A monster, a curse they called him. Though Hua Cheng is far removed from that sort of abuse, it still affects him even centuries after. He thinks less of himself that he should, he blamed himself for causing Xie Lian trouble when he isn't to blame. He punishes himself for problems he could not have solved alone, and would restrict himself from touching Xie Lian before for worry he was. undeserving.

It took a long time for Xie Lian to convince his husband that not only was he worthy, he was loved, and not for the accomplishments he managed at all, but because he was inherently worth something by just existing.

Still...taking his own advice after trying to drill it into his love is easier said than done.

Hua Cheng has been waiting hundreds of years. Xie Lian knew that, and he knew Hua Cheng would wait even more if needed but Xie Lian couldn't give his husband what he ultimately wanted.

He didn't mention it, the conversation never came up, but as they got closer, Hua Cheng became more comfortable initiating touch and contact. Xie Lian worried he would ask for more and...he couldn't give it to him.

He worried even more that San Lang might think of himself as a problem, as undesirable when that wasn't the case at all. Xie Lian wanted to touch him and kiss him but not...go all the way.