The Gambler's Den {Hualian}

5. Soul Mind Body

A/N: Sort of another character study but of Hua Cheng in a Modern AU. Dealing with past abuse and trauma, and Xie Lian helps him through a panic attack.

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Xie Lian knows him, really knows him. Even though there are things he tries to hide.

Modern AU: Past Child Abuse, Body Dysphoria, Allusions to SH, Hurt/Comfort and D/s Undertones

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Roll 5:
Anxiety

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Hua Cheng wears three distinct faces. Xie Lian, his longtime friend turned boyfriend knew them all. The first, the one he uses the most. The one he wears to work, the one he uses to interact with strangers, people he isn't close with and doesn't like. This version of his boyfriend is composed, confident and always straight to the point. To the extent it comes off rude if you take things personally, angry if you read into it too much. When really, Hua Cheng just doesn't spare a thought to how others might feel with his actions.

The second, is the face he wears with his very few friends and to people he knows he must play nice with. I.e Xie Lian's friends and family. This version of him isn't rude, merely sarcastic, and even charismatic. He still has that same confidence, maybe he's even a bit funny, and witty at times. But he's not extroverted, never is really, and it still takes some prodding to get him to start to engage in conversation or delve deeper. This version is the one who would debate with a Professor for a better grade, be so well spoken that he actually wins. Then later go to a bar to only slightly mention it humbly to the awe of everyone who had taken that same professor before with little to no luck asking for a mere extension.

"Hua Cheng, how did you do it?" Shi Qingquan would ask and get no real response in return. Hua Cheng might indulge once in a while, but to this he merely said, "I was right, he was wrong."

Xie Lian shaking his head, and everyone of course, thinking Hua Cheng was so arrogant thinking he was too good to speak of it. When Xie Lian knew Hua Cheng just didn't like being the center of attention. Especially around his friends and/or coworkers, so Xie Lian would steer the conversation to something different. Earning him an appreciative glance from his boyfriend.

The third face, is San Lang. This is the version reserved only for Xie Lian alone. This version isn't confident at all. San Lang thinks himself rather pitiful, he thinks he's not as attractive as he is or as smart. The tell-tale signs of abuse and mistreatment from his most of his life show the most here. When Xie Lian said he liked him, San Lang couldn't believe it and actively tried to convince Xie Lian he had made a mistake, and the version of him that Xie Lian thought he was, wasn't real. He convinced Xie Lian that he was a good person worth being friends with when the opposite was true.

"Xie Lian," San Lang said seriously, their eyes don't meet due to his purposeful downcast and Xie Lian feels heartbroken at the loss of contact. It feels like pulling away. "I'm not the person you think I am..I'm not I–"

Xie Lian can feel the beginnings of the frayed strands of his self start to come apart. He places his hands on either side of his friends face to force eye contact, because he wants this point to come across. He needs it to.

"I know exactly who you are Hua Cheng, my San Lang, you're my best friend. You want everyone to think you're strong—and you are, you very much are, but you don't have to be with me. If you don't want to be. I'll always be here to help you, pick you up and..."

He really wishes he knew what to say, and curses himself for not knowing how to.

"I love you." Xie Lian says, knowing he's never actually said it before, but he's felt it so strongly for so long, "I love you a because I know you. All your faults and good qualities there's nothing about you that I don't like or don't want to know."