The Apparition

The Apparition - Continued

1. You

The diagnosis was unexpected.

You sat in the doctor's office while she was telling you about it, and you felt shaky and like your breath was not reaching your lungs and that you were kind of floating near your body, but not inhabiting it. You heard what she was saying, and yet it was not sinking in.

You felt nervous and afraid. You did not know how you were supposed to feel. How you were supposed to process the information? How were you going to explain it to him?

Driving back home you took it slow, no music. You needed the silence to be able to not feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. You dreaded seeing his face now. His reaction scared you more than any of the realities of the situation ever could. You wanted to protect him from this more than you wanted to save yourself.

You were sitting on the couch staring off into the distance for a while, you don't really know how long, before you felt him appear. He smiled at you and came closer and soon he realised that you were not yourself and he sat down next to you. You felt the familiar dip next to you.

'What happened?' he asked his voice immediately worried.

You were quiet trying to decide which words to use. He placed his large hand on your lower back in a gesture of comfort and you felt the heat of it through your shirt.

'I am... I have cancer,' you say, your voice flat, but you needed it all out as quickly as possible. 'It already started spreading. I...,'

'You just had some neck pain,' he whispers after being quiet for very long.

'Yeah,' you nod. 'It's in my spine.'

'How,' he started a sentence he did not know how to finish. 'It doesn't....'

'I'm sorry,' you say to him.

'What? Why are you sorry?' he asked with the deepest frown on his face.

'I know this is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me,' you say. Looking in his eyes the emotion hits you finally.

He shakes his head and leans in to you and holds you. 'Don't worry about me,' he whispers. 'What do we do? How do we fix this?'

'There's not much to be done. It has already spread all over,' you reply into his shoulder.

'But surely, they gave you some advice? Some options?'

'I can try chemotherapy. It can slow the spread. Maybe give me more time, but by the sounds of things there is no fixing this anymore,' you explain.

'But you didn't have symptoms,' he is trying to make sense. 'How, I don't understand.'

'I don't either, Noah. I am so sorry.'

'Stop apologizing,' he says. He holds you quietly. After a while you feel his breathing start to pick up and you feel it begin to shake, and hitch. You hold him back tighter and for the first time since you have gotten the news, you feel the tears prick at your own eyes.

'I don't want to hurt you,' you say your voice small.

'Baby,' his voice cracking. 'I don't want you to hurt.'

2. Noah

It took me some time to convince her to do the chemotherapy. She didn't want to, arguing that it was pointless. I argued that it gave her some more time. Gave her more opportunities to do things and live. I am sure that she is doing it purely for me. But I feel we have to try.