What Timeline Is This?! (Avengers soulmate au)

30 - Niche

chapter header drawing in progress...

Pov - Ayana

"And how did you feel about that?"

"Good? I don't know, I feel people's pain more than I feel their happiness"

"You can tell when he needed you emotionally but you sometimes can't get excited with him?"

"Yes and no?" my fingers covered the side of my mouth while I constructed a clearer reply "Yes I get excited with him, for him, because I like it when he's excited and happy, and I understand why he'd be excited about something like a party... but also no because parties are not a priority for me and until I'm at the party and enjoying it I won't feel any excitement..."

"Why do you think that happens?"

"Uuh... There was an extended period of time where like 90 percent of my interactions with people were negative, one of those days would feel like any other normal day but then the total of those days equals trauma, I know that now and a part of that trauma was identifying what I did wrong and trying to fix it... and another part's like 'don't expect good shit 'till it's happening to you' so... yeah..."

"So you don't have practice identifying different positive emotions in others? you don't get to think much about things that go right?"

"Yeah...to both... it's either bad memories or fictional memories."

"Fictional?"

"I'd escape... Let my mind wander and shi- sorry,"

"It's okay. if you're up to it I'd like to hear about that trauma."

"It's not something I can talk about... my voice pretty much stops working when I get upset enough and when I get overwhelmed the feelings take a while to go away, so I'll have it typed and ready for next time"

"That would be great, thank you. You said 'feelings' earlier but didn't specify, does it happen with the positive ones as well?"

"Yeah... If I make a person laugh for example, or at least try to, I would start laughing for a good five minutes and keep smiling for 10 more... I'm not used to that... I'm not even used to the sound of my laughing- or crying voice! I'll write about that too..."

Carla's eyes widened like she realized something and quickly scribbled down on her notepad.

"I kinda wanted to talk about my most recent trauma before diving into the rest..?"

"We can talk about whatever you'd like, Ayana"

"I-uh... I almost died about a month ago... and lost touch with my mother and sister..."

"That is in your file, pretty fresh, how are you coping?"

"I'm getting better with the near-death experience mostly thanks to Steve... But my family... I love them but I also don't miss them...?"

"Do you know why? or did you tell me so I'd help you figure that out?"

𖤓*⁺⭒࿐ ࿔*:･

"How was it?" asked Steve, getting off the couch outside Carla's office. His eyes darted around my face, perhaps looking for wiped tears or a reddened nose "How are you feeling?"

"Like I don't know how to answer that question anymore?" I replied, my face scrunched as I finally felt the weight in my stomach and throat releasing itself in the form of tears.

I could let myself get overwhelmed only when I was with this man...

My lungs strained, trying to shrink and expand faster while I was holding them back to stop my sobs. I relied on Steve to get me away from there, letting his voice distract me until I felt almost normal.