Monday mornings, nothing more depressing than that I would assume. Would you..?? Chances are ..if you're between the ages of 11 and 50 you probably would. Why would you though? It's because the majority of people in your age group would agree. Most develop anxiety the night before for fear of the end of the weekend. You'd have to get up early and be proactive and who wants to work? But here's the thing, some of you, maybe very few of you, don't mind getting up early and being proactive. In fact, you'd prefer it to laying about. You thrive in work places and love to know you've achieved a lot at the end of the day. And then you fall asleep and do it all again. So would you then agree with me that Mondays are depressing.. again, you probably would because time proves that the majority out rules facts and logic.
I'd say the same thing about the existence of love but by the majority that do believe in it my theory would be shut down immediately.
You'd think a person like me would never fall in love but I did. And for a while I was glad I believed in it; until it killed me. I'll tell this story one more time.
September 9th. The day school resumed. I hated school. Ironically it was also my birthday..I hated my birthday as well. I hated a lot of things. My mom called it an unhealthy amount of hate but I think everyone hates a lot of things; they're just better at hiding it.
Another thing I hated was Jedidiah.
I met Jedidiah when I was 7, approximately 10 years today. He came to my birthday party. He was my cousin Jude's best friend. Jedidiah threw up on my cake and everyone thinks that's why I hate him. Who holds a ten year grudge over cake. The truth is, Jedidiah broke my self esteem. The day I felt so pretty. The day I felt so happy. The last day I felt good about myself. He made me hate pink. He made me hate parties. He made me hate September. He made me hate myself. And I'll admit .. everyone has a lot of things they hate but a majority of mine were as a result of meeting Jedidiah. I won't go into detail right but you get the idea.
I saw Jedidiah every day at school. It wouldn't be a problem if he left me alone, but he was always there to point out that my outfit was too baggy..he knew why.. or that my clothes were too dark..he knew why..or that my hair was too thick and bushy...he knew why. That's why he teased me endlessly. He knew he was the reason I changed myself. He knew he had singlehandedly destroyed who I was and he took pride in that. He never let me forget that I was at his cold mercy. I hated the way I cared so much about what he said to me. It killed me a little bit everyday but I'd never let him see that. Though I couldn't protect myself from his words but I could hurt him back. And that's how this cycle of oppression started.
It wasn't your usual high school bullying bs going down. This hate filled torture I endured, distribute and retaliated every day. So to counter my earlier statement, Mondays aren't depressing, the whole week is. Mondays are just harder to endure because it's the beginning of the torture.
I had math class first. I loved math. Correction, I liked that. I could never love. I didn't exist. I liked math for its uncomplicated and unchanged nature. It, unlike English and science, had been the same since the beginning of time. It had clear answers and didn't make me overthink. It was also the only class I didn't share with Jedidiah.
I walked in with an image in my head. The same image I'd been seeing for years. Chairs on the left, white board on the right, and Mrs Jamila waiting for us. That wasn't what I walked into though. There's this feeling when you think you know what's gonna happen because it's what is supposed to happen, and then it's different. I'd argue that this feeling is saddening and terrifying but I guess it's an opinion because most people would be excited by change. I hate change, it makes me feel like I'm not in control. I mean I'm not but if I ignore it long enough I create this false sense of control and when things are changed, my flow is disrupted.
As I walked into Math class I noticed three things. A new teacher. A new arrangement. And a new seat mate. I'll save you the suspense. It was Jedidiah. He was gonna make me hate math too.
I walked up to my now two sided desk with my new seatmate. I tried to sit and he pushed me. He told me to get out. Just loud enough for me to hear it and no one else. I gaped at his audacity. Who did this fool think he was? I sat anyway and just as he was about to open his mouth our new teacher walked in. He introduced himself as Mr Kinsley. He looked in his mid twenties and spoke like it too. I noticed he didn't use the board like most teachers, he walked around the class and gave physical examples. Maybe change wasn't such a bad thing...sometimes..
I almost started to like this change when Jedidiah reminded me of his presence by using me as a stabiliser to get out of his chair. Did it hurt ? yes. Was i surprised? No. This was how it'd always been. And seemingly how it'd be for the rest of the school year.
