∗ ࣪ ˖༺ violent delights ༻˖ ࣪ ∗

what's the point of trying if it turns into this?

it had been a few weeks since i was placed on medical leave, waiting for the all-clear from my doctor. strauss, though, made me wait even longer—typical. she wasn't sure if i was ready to return after everything. those weeks were a blur of rest and healing, but mostly, they were a lesson in silence. i'd never understood what true quiet was until then.

the night rossi brought me home from the hospital was when it started. he stayed for about an hour, commenting on my empty apartment, which felt more like a hollow shell than a home. he ordered food from his favourite restaurant nearby, which he said was the best in the area. he made sure i was comfortable on the blow-up mattress that was then my bed, and then, just like that, he was gone. and after he left, the silence moved in.

i laid there, staring up at the ceiling, listening to nothing. it was maddening. i wished i was with hannah. she could fill a space with her laughter, her energy, the way she made the world seem brighter just by being in it. or my dad. even though his silence could be suffocating, the few words he did say were always thoughtful and meaningful. and then there was matthew, god, i missed him. i missed how he made everything fun, how he brought me out of my shell. he was spontaneous, pulling me into these extravagant date nights at restaurants that were way out of our league, but he insisted on nothing less than the best for me. i thought about the first time we went to the met museum together, how we'd waited in line for hours, and how he made me laugh the entire time. when it rained, we huddled under his leather jacket and ran to a cab, laughing like idiots. now, without him, i felt like just a miserable fool, sitting in an empty apartment with no furniture and too much time to think.

days passed, and as i started to feel physically better, i itched to get back to work. i begged hotchner to let me come back, but every time, he gave me the same answer: "we'll see you when your medical leave is up. rest up." eventually, some of my things from my old apartment arrived—a few pots and pans so i wouldn't starve, and my bed frame, which i had no clue how to put together. it was my final day of leave, and i was getting restless, bored out of my mind, counting down the hours until i could finally go back to the office.

i was lounging on the air mattress, which had now become my makeshift couch, watching some mindless tv on my laptop when emily facetimed me. "you up for drinks tonight? we wrapped up the case early and thought we'd celebrate. the whole team's coming." she said, her face bright on the screen.

i thought about it for a second, but i wasn't ready to blur the line between work and my personal life. i needed space. "the whole team, huh? i think i'm just gonna rest tonight—still got a lot of unpacking to do. i'll see you tomorrow, em." i said, cutting her off before she could push harder.

after hanging up, i stood up and grabbed some leftovers from the fridge. i turned up the volume on my laptop, trying to drown out the silence, but it didn't help. i scrolled through netflix, trying to find something to watch, but every movie reminded me of matthew. frustrated, i slammed the laptop shut and sat at the counter, staring at my cold dinner.

then came the knock at the door. i froze, my hand instinctively reaching for my gun. i opened the door cautiously, and to my surprise, aaron hotchner was standing there. "oh, hello, sir. uh, can i help you?" i asked, completely thrown off by him showing up unannounced. "just wanted to check on you, see how you're feeling. strauss asked if i thought you were ready to come back." he explained, standing awkwardly in my doorway like he wasn't sure if he should step inside or not.

"oh, right. yeah, sorry—come in." i said, feeling a bit guilty for leaving him standing in the hall. but he didn't move. he just stayed there, like he was waiting for something. "i hope you told her yes." i said, trying to make conversation as i brought my dish to the sink. "sorry?" he asked, his mind somewhere else. "strauss. i hope you told her i'm ready to come back. i'm dying to get out of here." i said, forcing a small smile.