Here I am sitting by the phone again waiting pathetically to hear from you. As I look at my phone for the millionth time I ask myself how did I step into this role?
When did I ever decide it was okay to allow myself to be your muse, your option, your mistress? Somebody that's just there when she isn't. Somebody that helps you escape your loneliness and that you have no problem ignoring when she doesn't ignore you.
I've become something I've never been. I swore I would never be in this role. The person in this role naively believes you when you say you are only still in this situation for the kids.
The person in this role is always available to you when you are feeling down but you are only available to her when it's convenient.
I don't deserve this role and yet I have allowed myself to step into it. Why would I step into this role I don't deserve?
I never have tolerated being a side chick before. It's far below my standards. It's far below what I deserve. I don't deserve a part time lover. I don't deserve to sit pathetically by the phone waiting for a moment with you.
I don't deserve to sit home alone on holidays hoping to hear from you while you enjoy your family. I liken it to a lonely old woman sitting in a nursing home with a family that never visits her waiting for a pathetic reassurance by phone that they still care.
I let my feelings take over. And feelings are never a good guide for your life. I am learning that the hard way. Perhaps that's why I am going through this now. Maybe God is showing me this now.
It's a painful lesson to learn but perhaps it's necessary. Maybe God is showing me what I don't deserve before giving me something way better, better than I ever could have imagined.
Here's to hoping I find the role I truly deserve.
