In other dimensions Savannah would not be dealing with depression. Savannah wouldn't be planning to kill herself at the end of next month. In other dimensions Savannah wouldn't have met Charlie.
In other dimensions Charlie would be trying to talk t...
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SAVANNAH
I BLINK, SLOWLY, AT the ceiling. It's still there. Still the same off-white with that one crack that branches like a river, through dry earth. I've memorised every curve of it in the past three days.
It feels too bare, not like my ceiling at home.
My ceiling at home is decorated with stars, with dreams, with Eret's handwriting and art. His photography. If I close my eyes I can picture where each piece hangs. I can see a shadow of everything that's home on this bare canvas.
My body feels like lead, the sheets heavy against my skin, pinning me in place.
But something is different now.
The fog in my head is lifting, not fully gone but thinning, enough that I can breathe again. I swallow, the dryness in my throat reminding me how long it's been since I bothered to lift my hand and take the glass of water off my nightstand. My tongue feels thick, my mouth stale, but that's not the worst of it.
The worst pain is the ache-an ache, that isn't physical, but seeps through my bones, allowing the darkness to encase me from time to time, heavily, drowning my insides and smothering me. The ache leaves me hollow.
Drained.
My limbs are stiff, resistant as I try to move, but they move.
That's something.
I push myself to sit, wincing at the tightness in my neck, at how foreign the motion feels after being still for so long.
The room is quiet except for the hum of the mini-fridge. I stare at Ivy's pile of clothes in the corner of her bed. She's out, probably with Werner, with the football girls. I notice her lack of presence and it hurts me to not see her.
I had a dream where her and Charlie turned their backs on me. They pushed me away, telling me that I was too much, too gone to be helped, that I wasn't worth their time and that's when the ache swallowed me and I couldn't move anymore. I couldn't get up no matter how much I screamed at myself.
Ivy tried to help but I couldn't open my mouth. After a long and painful while she gave up and left me to my thoughts. I understood.
It hurt too much to admit, but I'm so scared.
I'm so scared they would actually leave me. That they would realise that I wasn't anything good to keep in their life. It hurt, because they were so close to me.
They were too close.
I don't want them to be this close. They would only be hurt when I killed myself. They would only hate me for it. I didn't want them to.
I hope Charlie leaves me alone, I hope he realises that I can't be helped, I can't be saved.
I don't want him to leave, but he's too close to me. Too much in my heart and I don't know how to bleed him out. I can't bleed anymore, there's not any blood left. He knows I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone. He knows he's under my skin. He must know. How couldn't he?
