Staring Over

Chapter 7

These past few days have been crazy it seems. The anniversary came around and it honestly just felt like another day. I admit a couple of times I reached for my phone to send a text but when I realized what I was doing, I stopped myself. It was then that I realized it was an automatic reflex, it wasn't a conscious thought. There was no feeling in the text that I almost sent and now I am glad that I didn't actually go through with it.

What does that say about me? How could I have no feelings regarding the past fifteen years being married? Shouldn't I have cried? Shouldn't I have been mad or pissed or livid? How could it have been just another day? How could it be so normal? Fifteen years and nothing? I honestly didn't even realize it until that afternoon when I was on my lunch break and looked at my phone. When it did dawn on me, I had mixed emotions. On one hand I was sad that I wouldn't be getting a text from him but that fleeting moment passed quickly as it turned into relief that I wouldn't be getting a lying text from him. Anger went through me when I realized looking back, he never told me first when it came to our anniversary, he only responded after I sent him one so it probably never even crossed his mind what that day was. I questioned if he ever meant any of them and then relief filled me again when I realized I wouldn't be getting the traditional card or flowers that he felt obligated to get me. I hate flowers, I mean I love looking at them and smelling them but I hate receiving them. What's the point when they are just going to die in a few days? If you want to show me you love me, get me something that I will truly appreciate, something sentimental, something that means something to me.

He only got them on our anniversary, my birthday, and valentines day. The days he was supposed to get them. I never understood why when I had told him repeatedly that I don't want flowers if they are just going to die and yet he still did. Looking back now I can see that he didn't listen to me.

How could I be so naive and stupid? How could I constantly look past the numerous red flags and excuse so much of his toxicity? How could I be so blind when it came to him? Was it just because I was so in the belief that we were reunited for a reason? That's what he constantly told me. How could I not see how manipulative and narcissistic he really was? I found an excuse for everything and look where it got me, completely broken and questioning everything I thought I believed in.

I thought when that day came I would be more heartbroken because I was with him for fifteen years, we had a family, so it was surprising to me when I felt nothing once those initial feelings washed away. It was very confusing to say the least. Does that mean that I am finally healing and moving on? It's only been a few months since I have left him, shouldn't I be more distraught and upset? Can I really move on after being married for fifteen years in just a few months? Am I just masking and it will hit me later? Have I just been able to pull back an ability I thought I had lost and turn off all my feelings regarding him and our marriage? I'm not really sure what is going on.

I know I have a lot of anger and hurt still regarding him, especially since he has been calling and being so rude to me on the phone but I also still care about him which is really fucking frustrating. I do not love him in any aspect, I don't want to be married to him anymore in the slightest but I do care about him, I was married to him for fifteen years and we were high school sweethearts. I guess I care about him as a friend but I really wish I could just turn that off as well. I have no love for the man anymore and I can honestly say upon all the gods and goddesses out there and Mother Earth and Father Spirit that if he were to come crawling to me on his knees asking for a second chance I would tell him no without a second thought. That doesn't mean that I want him too much illwill, we do have four kids after all.

Speaking of which, he is now tearing my heart out by trying to say that the two older boys, the ones that I did not give birth too but raised since they were babies, are no longer my sons and I am not their mother. I have raised them for fifteen years, I am the mother that they know, they are MY sons! He's doing it because he knows that hurts me and I don't really understand why he is treating me this way. I don't understand why he is being so cruel to me when I have done nothing wrong. I wasn't the one that stepped outside of the marriage and break our vows. I didn't cheat. I didn't lie to his face repeatedly. I didn't manipulate him in any way. I could have been way more petty when I filed for divorce and I didn't. I have been trying to coparent without drama and yet he is speaking to me so harshly and rudely. I'm to my breaking point and I'm just tired of it. I'm trying to be the bigger person, I'm thinking of the kids and how this will affect them, but I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of his attitude towards me when I don't deserve it one bit. He needs to stop or karma is really going to come back on him harshly.