Bruised Mind

Memoir 1

Birthday Blues

"Tell me a weird fact about you," she said after a long period of silence.

I smiled. Finally, she's asking something.

I placed my hand on my chin and started to think.

Ano nga ba ang weird about sa akin? Honestly, nothing comes to mind. Everything about me seems... ordinary. I'm just a person filled with a mess of negative emotions, nothing quirky or strange enough to stand out.

My friends also like to tell me that. That I'm too dramatic.

"You look like you're struggling," she said nang wala syang natanggap na sagot mula sa akin.

She's not wrong. It's hard to name something that I never really considered to define me. I've never viewed myself as someone with peculiar habits or unusual traits. Just... normal. Unremarkable.

I glanced at her, and she's smiling.

"It's okay to take your time," she added. "You can tell me anything that you find weird about yourself-your habits, thoughts, actions, maybe a strange experience. Whatever comes to mind."

Her words triggered something. A memory I once had when I was in high school.

I don't really know if it's weird, but it's what first came to mind after hearing what she said.

"I hate my own birthday," I said quietly.

"Why?" she asked, looking more interested as she leaned in.

I almost laughed at that, at the irony of her curiosity.

"Because that's the day I feel the most forgotten," I replied while smiling.

She nodded her head, encouraging me to go on. So I did.

"You see, I never had any strong feelings about birthdays before, but that all changed on my sixteenth birthday." I began, the memory coming back to me as clear as if it just happened yesterday.

"Before my birthday even began, my friends were hyping it up," I continued. "They would greet me kahit na malayo pa yung birthday ko."

I smiled briefly at the thought. "Because of that, I developed some expectations for my actual birthday. I mean, who wouldn't, right? They just wouldn't stop talking about it." Patuloy ko at bahagyang natawa.

My smile slowly faded as I went on. "On the day itself, I remember locking myself in the bathroom after getting a text message from my mother. She wished me a happy birthday and told me she loved me, and I just... couldn't help but cry that time."

I felt a sting behind my eyes as I recalled that moment. That happened eight years ago, but it still is very clear in my memory.

I swallowed the lump I felt in my throat and continued.

"Because of that message, I was in a good mood nung pumasok ako sa school," I said as a sad smile was forming on my lips. "I was really excited to see my friends since that's also the first time I get to celebrate my birthday with many friends, but that excitement didn't last."

"I remembered walking into the classroom, smiling, expecting their smiles as they wished me a happy birthday, but... nothing. I got nothing." Humugot ako nang malalim na paghinga bago nagpatuloy.

"The reality is always worse than what we expected," I said as I paused for a few seconds as I felt the weight of the memory settle over me.

"My smile faded when I saw them busy with whatever they were doing. They didn't even pay me any attention. They acted like there's nothing kahit na nung mga nakaraang araw ay abot ang bati nila sa akin."

"I sat down at my desk with my shoulders down, and minutes passed, nobody said anything. Then, out of nowhere, lumapit sa akin yung isa kong classmate. Hindi ako close sa kanya. We're not even on speaking terms, but he asked me if that day's my birthday."

I paused, my voice lowering. "When I told him yes, binati nya ako. Dun lang din ako binati ng mga kaibigan ko. It's like they just noticed my presence because someone talked to me."

I swallowed again, feeling the lump in my throat grow, but I couldn't afford to be emotional yet. I was just getting started, and there was still so much more I wanted to say.

After all, this was the one place I could be vulnerable. A place where I could show the real me and reveal my thoughts without fear of judgement.

I took a deep breath before continuing.

"I was so heartbroken that day. Akala ko magiging masaya yung araw na yon because it started on such a good note. But I was wrong. Hindi pala sya masaya. It was full of disappointment."

"After that day, I started viewing my birthday differently. Every year, I made sure to deactivate my Facebook account once the clock strikes twelve and the day in the calendar changes. Ayokong batiin lang ako ng mga tao just because they saw it there. And that's when I realized no one really cares about my birthday. No one really cares about me. But that's okay. Wala namang bago."

I smiled bitterly at the thought.

"I've always been the friend who's always there for them kahit wala sila para sa akin. Masakit pero wala na akong magagawa. I have to live with that pain."

I took another deep breath.

I have to live with that fact and move on because the world won't stop just because I felt like that. It won't slow down just for me, and that's something I need to accept. This life will never be about me... it's a life that only revolves around other people.

"Instead of holding grudges, I did the opposite. My friends' birthday became really important to me. I always made it a point to let them feel seen, to make sure they knew I'd never forget their special day. I would stay up late at night para lang ma-send yung long sweet message na sinulat ko para sa kanila. I wanted them to know they had me, that they have a friend."

I paused as the efforts I've done for them came back to me.

Napangiti ako ng mapait.

"Pero nakakapagod din pala kapag paulit-ulit yung nangyayari. Many years have passed since then. I'm 24 now, and I no longer write them long messages, but I still make sure to greet them on their special day kahit hindi nila pansinin yung pagbati ko. I just want them to know that I remember. That they're important to me, which is why I always made the effort."

My voice cracked as I continued.

"I'll never forget their birthdays because I know how much it hurts to have yours forgotten."

A tear slipped from my eye as I said those words.