Perfectly Mistakable

Perfectionism

I don't know of a trait more pervasive than perfectionism. It seeps into every aspect of being and clings to my faults like glue, adding to their weight and burden. I have really struggled to make true friends the past two years, I was so fortunate to find my wife, partner and best-friend all in one go but now I am coming up against wall after wall of reasons to stay away from people. One major reason is because I am emotionally fragile right now, I have been on a journey of self-discovery and what I have discovered is I cannot be friends with people who are not authentic. I don't mean to say I only want enlightened friends, just that I want friends who aren't here to play games and have a showman's friendship. I want to dive into caverns and trek through gorges and spill our souls to each other as we watch the sun set and another night take hold. I do not want friendships ruled by jealousy and fear.

You might think I am being unrealistic, my family would say the same thing, but I have a lot of friendships like that already – even when I didn't realise that is what I was looking for. I am blessed with so many best-friends, each of them a bright star burning in my heart, a space that may be physically great, but spiritually, we are never apart. When souls recognise each other in friendship the heavens sing. There is nothing more pure than friendship like this – I even think that a lovers love is always something that comes after that friendship, as I have found myself with my partner.

Even though I prattle on about the significance of these friendships that doesn't mean I am good at showing my friends how much they mean to me. I think it is a fatal flaw in most of us, thinking that the people around us should just know how we feel about them. But I want to make sure none forget how they make me feel, I want them all the know how much I appreciate the light they have all bought into my life – I guess that is what this side story is all about, making sure my friends know that they rock my world and I'd have it no other way. I am just very bad at keeping in touch with people who are not in my immediate vicinity, it has always been something I struggled with. There has been maybe a year at some points where I have gone without speaking to friends I consider family. But I think that is the true essence of what I desire in love – freedom. Without expectations, just appreciation for the time chosen to share with the other. And you may say 'oh but a year is a long time' and yes it is but also the universise is like 58 billion years old or something like that – we are nothing to it so if you desire connection then seek it in the world you are privy to. There are an astronomical number of reasons why someone could drop off contact for a while and that is okay. That is part of living a life. What I have found matter is in those tiny little bubbles of time we get to share with them, no matter what context, and to this point, why let anyone take up your infinitely small amount of space if they do not see how valuable this time is we have together.

Yet that doesn't mean I will always be this way, nor does it mean I do not want to change. It means very little in the grand scheme of things but it is something I constantly barer myself about, and only out of habbit. But recognition is the first step. Once we recognise these traits in ourselves and felt that they arent serving us anymore, we can take the information about why we did need it, and move on with the parts we still need. This transformation of habits inside the body slowly brings around a change that for me, has felt like learning how to run backwards on an out-of-control treadmill... I was that out-of-control treadmill with my back to myself and eyes looking up, I couldn't see the person I was, only the expectation meant to be achieved. And if I had kept going on like that, eventually I would have fallen and injured myself so badly I wouldn't have been able to get back on and try again.