Perfectly Mistakable

Christmas Day Reflections

It is Christmas Day and I am flooded with conflicting feelings. I was raised to be seen, not heard, to serve and not need, but now that I am spending it with other families, I see how twisted that mentality is. I still remember the first time another adult stood up for me in front of my mum, it is a key moment in my life that made me realise the world is more accepting than I thought. In year eight Tess Jan had a bonfire party on her farm with around twenty boys and girls, and some of us would stay overnight and others were only there for the party. A group of parents were also there, staying inside the house to help Tess Jan's mum keep an eye on us and take kids home who weren't staying.

The fire was huge and about a hundred meters from the house were the parents sat on the wrap around veranda, drinking, eating, and chatting. Of course, my mum came too and I don't remember if I asked her to come or if she just wanted to be there but she was there. Now, I am a loud person. It isn't because I am trying to grab attention, I am just loud when I speak, laugh, sing, shout... But this was probably my mums most hated aspect of me. She didn't like that I was a loud laugher most of all and believe me, I have tried to be quieter but I am the way I am.

So there we are, at a bonfire in Spring, boys and girls laughing, joking around, mingling as kids love to do and I can tell you I did not have a care in the world. I was so happy to be with friends in a field around an open flame eating s'mores and smiling. I had to go back to the house for something – to use the bathroom or get more food or drink – and I walked passed all the parents sitting together, drinking and chatting. My mother beckons me over and, loudly, in front of all the other parents, she tells me that I need to 'tone it down' because they can hear me laughing in the paddock from the house. I felt gutted because I remember I had been on edge already and trying to blend in because she was there.

"Oh no Jan she's okay, I love hearing her laugh," she herself awkwardly laughed off, "it lets me know they're enjoying themselves."

Looking back now I see more and more clearly all these grips my mum had with me were just projections of what she disliked most in herself. This may not even read to be something big but it is a key moment in my adolescence where I realised that maybe I wasn't wrong for being the way I am. I think this may have been where I started to separate myself into the me who could be in front of friends and the me who could be in front of family. And this is one key aspects of what I am struggling with now – how to integrate my two worlds that have now become the cause of my internal collapse.

In connecting more with my Self, I have found it harder to be this other person that I needed to turn into with my family. As I become more congruent with myself it becomes harder to let things in that are disjointed from me. I am now more aware of the protection mechanisms I developed growing up and noticing when they begin to take over in my daily life.

Being surrounded by my partner and wife's family for the past three years has been the biggest blessing for my heart. To see unconditional love for my loves and by extension myself was (and still is) shocking and honestly, really difficult to watch and be a part of sometimes. I sit in two worlds when I am with them, one where I can feel their love and support, and another where I'm consumed by anger and jealousy, mad that I cannot have this with my own family. I may sound like a broken record but I feel I have not come to terms with my childhood yet and there are so many questions left unanswered that will most likely stay unanswered – and I need to make peace with that.