Perfectly Mistakable

On Guilt

            I haven't told anyone really that I am now estranged from my family. Not even me nest-friends and why? Because I don't want to bum them out, I don't want them to think I am trying to make things about me, and I am even worried one of them will end our friendship because I am too gloomy... my body stuck in the cycle of one-sided relationships with people who wanted me to be something I am not. I don't want to tell them so they'll ask questions and give me attention, I want to tell them beacsue they're my friends and this was something that shook the foundations of my life. I want to tell them so they don't ask me about my family and me have to then say 'well yeah, I don't talk with them anymore', and then they'd say sorry and ask why I ddin't tell them. To which I would say that I wanted to but I didn't want to bum them out.

True friends don't hold things against each other, especially not their own expectations of you. The main reason that underlies why I can't bring myself to reach out first is that I don't believe any of them actually care enough about me to remember me when I'm not there. And purhaos I perpetuate this reality by not reaching out first myself, maybe me placing that very expectation on them is the beginning of my own disappointment. Yes this is another thing I can trace back to my FoO but I won't here, instead redirecting this energy to exploring the idea that to truly be unencumbered by these troubles I need to let my loved ones go from my heart. To grieve the loss of them as I grow to love them ebcasue only then can I come back to what we have in the present with an objective and meaningful presence. Now this sounds very illusive and whoo-whoo but I too do not fully understand it myself but I cannot help how much my subconscious has been attached to that thought since I first heard it - and where did I hear it? On Instagram!

There is good and bad to everything in this life, even social media, but I digress...

When I first heard it (as well articulated as it was and I am not) I was at first shocked and taken aback, immediately looking to reject it – how could the person you love most in this world be cleansed from your heart? That is where they bring so much joy and life – to realising that I fear loss and grief. I wasn't raised with the tools to deal with the transpersonal aspects of life and so thinking about the great unknown when I had no conceptualisation of the personal scared the crap out of me. Even now as I write I don't have any real idea what I truly believe about the spiritual world but I am building my personal world first by understanding my pre-personal world and how it has shaped the earth I work with today. Basing my development on this theory I will only be able to integrate these three stages once I have clear concepts of the organisational structure that hold my person together.

So to cleanse your heart of those you love, now seems to be not a brutal pushing away of love, but a conceptualisation of how brief our time together will be, allowing for the space from anxious entanglement and instead an appreciation of the joy and love then experienced with them. It allows me to hold a transpersonal perspective of my relationships with others and in-turn serve my true self, only taking my present experience. My biggest problem in every relationship is my anxiety. I am always trying to figure out what those around me want me to be and then moulding myself to try and be something I think someone wants me to be. It sounds silly (because it is when I write it like this) but again, it is another trauma response that I am trying to work through. So for me, this cleansing of the heart seems to offer a release from my own shadow self, the one who wants to keep me trapped in fear and anxiety because that is better than being hurt unknowingly – only I am constantly getting hurt unknowingly, that is what happens when you're a living breathing person. It was an injustice that I wasn't able to grasp that growing up, feeling like I could have whatever I wanted if only I worked hard enough, and that the more money and power I had the easier my life would be. Again, I will turn to my FoO as exhibit A on why that is a silly notion, and one I can no longer let my life be governed by.