every felt lonely in a relationship?
ever longed for desire?
ever felt like you don't belong?
ever felt trapped?
ever felt like you made a mistake ?
ever stayed for the sake of your children ?
ever felt wrong for feeling these things....?
if you d...
i know that writing two books at the same time sounds crazy , but i am crazy :D
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" oh my god, Diego is such an amazing man! you are so lucky!"
i smile and nod at my friends , who are looking at my husband with adoration yet again, as he makes me coffee. i think this is the fifth time they said something with the words 'amazing' and ' you are so lucky' in the same sentence, mind you they've only been here for an hour.
i know he is a good father and provider but when it comes to him being a husband it's completely different, i mean romantically it's been non-existent. i guess he does try but it never goes beyond that. we have been together for seven years , married for three , and honestly after the honeymoon its just been quite horrible. i never thought that i would be in a position where i'm bored with my man and where i think of being single. if i would even mention anything negative or of leaving him to my family or friends i'm sure I'd be judged so bad.
i grew up with strict parents to say the least. i had to be home at seven, i had to learn to cook, clean, take care of kids and no i don't mean basic crap, i mean i had to literally take care of the household for as long as i can remember. i came to a point where my limit was reached and i decided to stay out an hour longer now that i think about it , it doesn't sound so badass but at the time and with my culture it was, and that's when i met Diego. Well i knew of him for a few years as his sister was my bestfriend , but on this day we actually talked.
we clicked right away and i fell for him. He was so good-looking, funny and had the same interests at least at this point. i remember us going for walks and losing track of time as we talked. he was so full of life and each day when i woke up i couldn't wait to see him. when we finally moved in together i remember the first night. we didn't have sex , no , we fell asleep facing each other just enjoying the fact that we were able to be together everyday.
every morning he would hug me from behind, and we would go for breakfast. he planned dates, put thought into everything and he cared. like this one time he surprised me with a rose and took me for a long drive which he knew i love, so simple yet so romantic. at this time we didn't make much money , we had nothing , even the furniture in our house was really old but we were happy. we worked hard everyday , putting in crazy hours just to make a living. we barely even seen eahcother as out shifts were colliding , but we still somehow made time for each other , sometimes it would be an hour in the morning and others an hour in the evening before going to bed, nevertheless we made it work.
Our lives changed when i seen two bars on that stick. it was positive. we had our son, Luca and we couldn't be happier we were a Happy little family. Everything completely changed about three years ago, when we got married.
when we came back from our honeymoon , everything went downhill. He stopped putting in the effort he used to before, he didn't care about ' us time' all he cared about was responsibilities and alone time. even though we had the time as i was a stay at home mom and he was working better shifts , he just didn't care for it. he started only caring about himself. he wanted to game for six hours at a time, he didn't want to go outside at all , he didn't bother asking me to go with him to bed, and sex was a fortnightly thing. i think i reached the point of the way i feel now when i realized that he shouldn't be able to easily fall asleep while i'm crying.
Now we argue about everything and anything really, it could be big or small. we are good parents and we make sure that when we do argue , Luca isn't home. we take care of everything on daily basis , the cooking, cleaning ad taking care ofour child, but there's just no romance. i feel horrible and guilty for wanting more , sometimes i feel like i failed, but i just can't stop these thoughts and feelings. i have dreams about being single and free , where i actually dress up, put on make-up, feel pretty and have fun. Fun. Damn i miss that the most, i miss my laugh honestly , and i know that's quite sad to say but that's the truth. the most horrible thing about all of this is that people think i have the best life possible because Diego doesn't think woman should be in the kitchen and man at work.
he does clean, cook , change nappies , lets me go outside by myself and on top of that he is a great provider. i can't lie he is a great man in general , that's one thing i love about him, he doesn't do stereotypes. i used to love the fact that he wasn't jealous when i talked to male friends or that i went out, but that was the times when it was at a healthy level, now it's completely different. i mean just a month ago i decided to go for a night out, i kind of started to not give a crap really.
i didn't drink or anything but i danced. i met my ex there an he told me he was still in love with me, and because my husband wasn't there he thought he had a chance. when i went home i told Diego but there was no reaction at all. i actually had to ask him if he could go out with me one time so that i'm not alone when he approaches me again because after that time he was texting me and when i was outside just doing shopping or whatever he kept coming up to me and i just wanted my husbands help, which i shouldn't be asking for in the first place.
it's great when a guy isn't crazy jealous but i would love it if he was a tiny bit possessive over me. i honestly think that at this point were just used to each other and that's it. sometimes i wish i could feel like a woman, but i don't all i am is a mother and a wife. i don't know who i am without these titles anymore.
as the years went on i realized we barely had anything in common, like i love music where as he doesn't care much about it, i'm outgoing , he likes to stay at home and prefers to do nothing, i like planning , he hates it, not to mention our music taste is completely opposite, and there's more, like, i want to have friends , he doesn't want to talk to people, i love comedy and romance movies and he prefers horror movies. i don't know there's so much difference between us , and i'm starting to feel like we aren't made for each other, and before you say , ' you should talk, and try to change it, work on your marriage' , well we have , not once but multiple times and still nothing changed.
" hey you okay?" i shake my head , and nod
" yeah , sorry spaced out for a moment"
" here's your coffee, i have to go collect Luca from school"
" alright" he leaned down, and kissed my forehead. i didn't miss 'aww's' from the girls as my lips formed in a straight line.
everyone think's that we are a perfect couple, with the perfect house and perfect relationship and honestly i wish it was but we live in the real world and reality sucks
i wanted to create a story for people who feel like this ( you will understand once you read :) ), and to know that its okay to feel like this , you are not wrong! please if you do feel like this , talk to your husband/partner , or if you are way beyond that point of just talking it out / or trying again , just try to co-parent. all i'm saying is that you should make sure you're okay, take care of yourselves
