my green

030 : partially whole

to be wanted, that's what it must've been. that's what makes sense now.

"it couldn't have been 'cause he was kind and charming. that dude is a hell of a nightmare, and i'd know," her body is limp, mattress outlining her. the ceiling light reflecting off the darkened hair that spills from its tie.

your palm is on your forehead, they bicker at each other, running over the possibilities as if they were speed humps or hurdles.

"maybe, you know," sasha gestures her hands in the air, as to say something about his manliness. "he was, um, you know." not very direct, but not very indirect either. she plays with the annunciation.

"big?" mikasa widens her eyes, really doubtful about it, but she turns her head to face you. "was he?"

you're sandwiched between her girlfriend and her, unable to escape either of them in this act of teenage girl interrogation.

"gross, will you guys stop it?" you're groaning into your hand, dragging it along like some heavy luggage. "it had nothing to do with that, okay?"

"wow."

"sash, reiner isn't big i told you so, see?"

"maybe he's good at it?"

you hoped to belong to something. you hoped to mean something, even if you were meant to know a love so sour, your insides churned around themselves. the bubbles and zaps, they weren't a product of anything good, but you had at least felt something.

"is he good? maybe that was it?" sasha questions, in between her fingers, she twirls a loose wave of her hair, picks at her split ends, and contemplates a haircut.

"no," you say. "i called him someone else's name—"

"what—"

"—a few times," you nod. "i called him eren. three or four times, really."

then it's quiet, like they're suppressing their own laughter. when banter arises, you just absorb every word they spit out and don't feel an ounce of judgement, but rather a girlish weight of joy.

"he wasn't happy."

"and what guy would be? jesus, you said someone else's name while he fucked you—that makes you even cooler now, you know that? and it makes him look even stupider," mikasa says, she flips and adjusts herself, rests on her belly, and uses her elbows as leverage. "how do you feel about it?"

you shrug, "good." but it doesn't change the fact that you were his, and that he was in you, and that he crossed a line in your own home.

"that's all that matters, honey," sasha says. she drops her hair, turns on her side to look at you. "consider it payback. he needed to be humbled. badly."

you practically ripped his manly hood from him in a span of minutes, like he never had it to begin with. he was small, a pebble. he was barely recognizable above you, in your ear, through the space of your bedroom door when he left and it was all done. then you crawled back into your cold mattress after everything, found that despite him being lost to himself, he was there tangled in your bedsheets and woven into the threads. you don't regret sharing that moment with him, but you regret letting him choose you.

"sash, what's the time?"

"uh, five."

"we gotta go catch a movie," the bedspread rustles under her movements, mikasa sits at the edge of your mattress. "date night," she says and you nod. "would've invited you, but i assumed you had plans with eren—"