Larger than Life...

Pain

I did go to your home, we all did, more friends wanted to go, others wanted to meet you; that was when I learned that you were one of the best pain doctors in the world.

Your house was two stories tall; classy, bricks and full of books. The neighborhood was dreamy and expensive.
I was the only woman in the house and everyone else was a doctor, including my brother Juan; and they all had questions. It was interesting how you were the center of it all, they questioned, and you kept lecturing; I watched and listened, and that was when I knew I should have stayed at Juan's home. The heart was choosing, the mind was spiraling, the soul was afraid and so was I.

I needed to pace myself, I needed my alone time. There was a big brown leather couch situated in one of the living rooms, in front of a grand set of windows, and I sat there, staring at the green open court. You were giving everyone else a tour of your house. Every wall of the house was you, as they were filled with items you had purchased and collected over the years. From baseball players, nazis, Freud; it was a vast eclectic collection.

Before the evening finished you sat next to me on the couch, smiling with that boyish smile of yours that I started to miss the minute I left your presence. You were warm, friendly, Jewish and married to an Asian woman. I asked tons of questions, mostly about Judaism, the historian in me helped to ease the tension, I could finally speak. Conversation flew easily until our eyes locked...and the world stopped again...but this time it stopped for the both of us. The conversation faded, the smiles did too, we stared at each other, the house was full with many others, but in that second, there was no one else; and it felt comfortable and strange. My heart was pounding, and I had to look away.

Looking out the window I said "It's already dark outside, we must go. Juan must be tired." I stood up, as you caught my hand, and a sudden rush of excitement tinted my face red.

"You must let me know if there's anything I can
      help you with."
"Of course I will, you had been very kind."
"I mean it Barbara; this is not just a formality.
       You can reach me anytime."

"I will" I said again, in a lower tone than before; drowning in your big brown eyes, exactly the ones I had seen in my dream. For a minute I could sense a shift, from kindness to a predator stare, so frugal, that later I thought I just had imagined it.

That night I felt pain, excitement and sadness, the reckless heart had chosen again. This time the emptiness had a name and that is the worst kind of pain. The unphysical pain, the deep rooted in your soul pain, the longing, the wanting to touch, the wanting to feel; the heart had awakened. It was impossible to sleep, but somehow, as I hugged my pillow I dreamed again. I was in the dark big sky, among constellations and planets, parallel lines encompassing parallel realities could be seen, and I kept leaping from one to another. I wanted to escape, I wanted freedom; I never wanted to return home; but I did.

I woke up screaming. I looked around and I was still at Juan's home, a calm wave of relief embraced my very core. My mind went back to the day before, and a big smile like I hadn't seen in years adorned my face as I looked in the mirror. I was pale for a Latina, my hair was lighter too, and my brown eyes had a new sparkle in them. My body was slim and fit, my ADHD had made me a sport lover for life. For the first time in seven years, I felt alive and it felt incredibly good.

I ran downstairs to get Juan. He was sleeping more than he ever did before, he had always been a bad sleeper, but the sickness made him tired.

"Wake up, wake up sleepyhead! The sun is bright
and shining." Juan looked at me barely lifting his
head from the bed.
"You are an angel Sis, and there's another one
standing next to you. She says her name is Aleea,
and she will watch over you when I'm gone."
"You can't die Juan; I'm not letting you!"
" I wish I could stay but there is not much time left."
" If this trial doesn't work, we'll try another one
and another one, as many as it takes."
"I know you won't let me die Sis, but at some
point you will have to. It's peaceful on the other side, they say it's almost time."
     I had stopped crying long time ago, but my heart fainted. A long day of the cancer trial awaited us.

The cancer trial had very specific instructions. Two big pills in the morning, two hours before breakfast, and another two, one hour after breakfast. Then we drove to the Cancer Research Institute for a full six hour scheduled of continued monitoring and tests. We did this every day for six weeks straight.

And every Friday, when we got out of the Cancer Institute, Juan would make me drive downtown DC, to view the monuments, to memorize the town square, the main layout, the capitol. He loved DC and he made sure every image remained imprinted in his soul for the new journey ahead.

      The Jefferson Memorial was his favorite monument. One night we parked nearby, because of his illness Juan had a disability permit for parking. It takes forty-three stairs to reach the Jefferson Statue, and on its wall, there are inscribed awe-inspiring Thomas Jefferson quotations. That night, Juan had decided to stay at the bottom of the monument, watching the ducks on the pond, as I climbed the stairs to the monument. Although he remained pain free, his energy had greatly diminished. I was re- reading some of the quotations again, my personal favorite:

" Laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind...Institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times.  We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors."

I felt a tap on my shoulder, turned around, and there was Juan. He had climbed all the stairs by himself, and he was smiling. We embraced in pure joy and happiness, he had felt he could not do it, but he did. It was the last time he ever did...

    When the times ahead became difficult, I would do exactly the same, drive around DC, visit the monuments and sit at the Thomas Jefferson Memorial.

Tell me your secrets
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start...
-The Scientist/Coldplay-