"Joon's Dia"

(Chapter 68: The Blue Dress Pt.2 - Namjoon)

Everything I did, I did it for her. I did everything I was supposed to do and I was fine with it but agreeing to break things off with her, I regretted with my whole heart. I never wanted to end things with Blue but she thought it was the best thing for her and Anni. I knew Dom was making things bad for her and with everything that happened in South Korea, she finally made the decision to end things. Yet it didn't feel like it was a finale or Game Over. We were still madly in love with each other but for her there were too many things keeping us apart.

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I couldn't force her to remain with me or even be friends with me so the times when she slowly but surely started to ignore me, I started back feeling all alone. I went into my military duties only thinking of her. I trained for her and fought for her but she gave me back nothing. Surprisingly, Yi Gongju was there though. Before I left, she spoke to me and explained that she knew everything.

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"I know that you're in love with another and that they have forbidden you to be with her. I am deeply saddened by this because you'll always be yearning and wanting her and not me. I can't say for sure that you'll fall in love with me but I can say that I will devote myself entirely to you for the rest of my life. I'll be a good wife and mother and if one day, you find that you love me and want to give yourself completely to me, let me know and my life would be complete."

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Wow! Even though her speech sounded a little rehearsed, I was still stunned by her confession and I admired her for being brave and strong. But even though her promise touched me, there was nothing I wanted more than Blue. During my two years in the military, I kept writing to Blue but it was Gongju who kept responding to me. I missed Blue but I found myself laughing again with Gongju and it felt great. I wondered if what she said could be true. What was the point in me holding on to a love that I couldn't have when there was the possibility of someone else loving me? The answer was simple: I had already given my heart to my love but she never gave it back to me.

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Could I move on? Yes. Could I move on and love another? Maybe... Eventually. But could I move on and forget about her? NEVER! And I told Gongju that the day after I was discharged. We were at a lovely bistro sharing a couple-like kind of breakfast. It was her only request so I obliged. Initially I was supposed to meet my sister K here but when Gongju messaged me about fulfilling her request, I decided to kill two birds with one stone.

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It was while we were eating that I realised that even though I was acting the part Gongju wanted, by trying to make her feel like I was into her, I realised how false everything felt to me. I wasn't being my true self with her and all I could think of was that I never had to pretend with Blue. Gongju wanted me to be a trophy husband while I just wanted to be free to love my wife. From the moment I thought 'wife', Blue's face and body came to my mind. I looked at the young lady in front of me and I knew that I didn't want to lead her on so I ended things with her.

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"I'm sorry, Gongju. I know you think that we could have a wonderful life together and you would be contented with what I could offer you. But even though I would try to give you everything that you ask for, you will never have possession of my heart. I will never forget her. She will always be with me and you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. Two years ago you said to me that you would be complete when I eventually could fall in love with you and give myself completely to you. But you never thought about me going back to her. If she would come to me now or after two years or ten years or even twenty years down the line and says she wants me, I will choose her. It will always be her. Our marriage will end and even though I will provide for you and our children for the rest of your lives, the fact is: I will go back to her."