Complete Honesty And Feelsy Bullshit

15 July 2015

Ok, so this is my first entry. Hi there computer, wanna know how much my life sucks??

 So in the course of 24 hours, ive had my mum breaking down in tears about 5 or 6 times, my stepdad gone missing from hospital after leaving for a walk, my entire happiness crushed right in front of me. yeah, its been pretty fucking great. 

 In all honesty, I havent exactly been happy for a long time. every test ive done online for depression has pretty much concluded i need to seek help or whatever. all they do is pump drugs into you anyway, no thanks i can barely take painkillers without feeling disgusting.

 Anyway, I would pretty much give everything to be happy for just one day. i want to be there for my mum cause she clearly need support. I want to be the big sister my siblings look up to, not the one they look at in confusion when i break down crying every couple of hours. I feel like such a dissapointment, in every way. 

im not the girly daughter my mum wants me to be

i have serious anger issues

i cant keep up a relationship of any kind and can barely talk to my best friends

i cant even eat unless its a pot noodle (only cause im addicted)

i purposely dig my nails into my skin just to watch myself bleed, even just slightly.

i dont even have the courage to cross a couple of roads to visit a good friend 

if it werent for the fact i need to support my family through a really tough time then i would have cut my throat by now. sorry its the truth

 thats just a few of the things which make me feel bad. anyways im gonna go to sleep. all this talk of death and depression makes me wanna get away from life, even if i only get nightmares in my sleep its still better than having to deal with the thoughts running through my mind. 

anyway, theres my downer. thanks computer but this did nothing but make me cry again

till next time,

kim (aka. pathetic useless loser)