The Ballad of Nixon and Brezhnev

Prologue

Nixon Miraculously Dodges Watergate Charges, Conservatives Hail 'Divine Intervention'

Published by The Washington Post, July 1974

In a surprising turn of events, President Richard Nixon has managed to escape all responsibilities associated with the Watergate incident, leaving both political observers and historians equally perplexed. Nixon is unharmed and, in the opinion of conservative pundits, blessed by divine providence, despite irrefutable evidence of his administration's involvement in the break-in at the Democratic National Committee headquarters and a cover-up that makes Watergate appear like amateur hour.

"We've always said that Nixon is a man of faith, and this is proof," said a senior Republican senator, who asked to stay unnamed and wiped a brow noticeably damp with anxious perspiration. "Clearly, God has a plan for him. And that plan seems to involve staying in office no matter what evidence is presented. It's truly a miracle. Maybe the tapes were recorded by angels."

The president is being portrayed as a persecuted saint by right-wing groups who have united behind Nixon, while liberal politicians and journalists are still demanding responsibility.

"There is no constitutional crisis, none. Only divine intervention," said Reverend Jerry Falwell, fresh from a prayer breakfast-and-lunch. "When you've got God on your side, legal procedures and the laws of men pale in comparison."

The people are still split in the interim. According to a recent Gallup poll, 40% of Americans think the Democrats are to responsible for fabricating the controversy, while 45% of Americans think Satan was behind it all in an attempt to damage Nixon's divine name. The remaining 15% consider the Watergate hotel to be an upscale vacation destination.

Nixon was reportedly drafting an Oval Office speech at the time of publication, in which he promised to strive for peace in Vietnam and thanked a higher power for his continuing tenure.

Brezhnev Ascends to Power Early, Confuses Everyone: 'I Don't Know How This Works, But I Guess He's in Charge Now,' Says Random Soviet Citizen

Published by Pravda, April 1975

Leonid Brezhnev became Head of State sooner than expected in an unexpected turn of events that confused the Soviet political establishment as well as the general public. However, the reason for this bureaucratic shuffle remains a mystery.

In the Soviet Union, the news of Brezhnev's quick ascent to power was greeted with a mixture of shrugs, blank eyes, and awkward questions. Ivan Petrovich, a Soviet citizen, voiced his complete bewilderment about the procedure in an exclusive Pravda interview.

"I don't understand how this [expletive] is supposed to work," said Petrovich, a steel worker from Omsk. "One day it's Podgorny, then it's Brezhnev. Why were there even three people? I thought there was a committee or something? Maybe they drew straws? I don't know anymore. Do we even get to vote? Was there a pamphlet? They didn't send me a pamphlet."

Analysts in politics were equally perplexed. While some thought Brezhnev's early appointment was the result of a clerical error, others saw it as just the most recent instance of the Communist Party's well-organized and robust inefficiency.

"Comrade Brezhnev is fully prepared to lead the great Soviet Union," said a party spokesman, who might have only found out about Brezhnev's elevation ten minutes before the press conference. "The transition will be seamless, as soon as we figure out exactly what he's supposed to be doing."

On the other hand, the Soviet populace seems to be accepting the news with grace. "It's fine, I guess," added Petrovich, mid-yawn. "As long as I still get to play tennis with my [expletive] friends after work. Can we finish this interview early? I want to listen to 'Boney M' at that new place."

Geneva Shrugs as Superpowers Meet for Peace: 'Are They Done Yet?' Ask Locals Unmoved by Historic Summit

Published by Tribune de Genève, November 1975

People in Geneva are doing what they do best, which is not caring, as the rest of the world gasps at a historic peace meeting between the US and the USSR.

Residents of Geneva seem more preoccupied with their morning coffee and the careful balancing act of wearing scarves indoors than they are with the state of the globe as country leader President Richard Nixon and General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev sit down to talk.

"I heard something about it," said Philippe Dupont, a waiter at a café near Lake Geneva. "Two important men meeting? I don't know. It happens all the time here. They come, they talk, and then they leave. It's good for business, I guess, but I don't have time to follow every world crisis. I'm too busy making cappuccinos."

People go about their daily lives in the Swiss city, where there is still an air of casual indifference. "I suppose it's important for world peace or whatever," commented Marie-Claude, the owner of a nearby store, as she tidied up an expensive watch display. "But let's be honest, it's not like anything's really going to change. They'll shake hands, smile for the cameras, and then we'll still have the Cold War tomorrow."

Not even the presence of international media has generated much enthusiasm. "They're always here, with their cameras and their questions," sighed Jacques, a taxi driver. "Last time it was some nuclear thing, now it's peace talks. Next month it'll probably be about cheese. Geneva is a neutral city, so we stay neutral about these things too."

World leaders may be concentrating on reducing international tensions as the conference goes on, but the people of Geneva are unmoved. "When they're done with all that talking," said Dupont, "I just hope they leave enough room for my regular customers."