I Will Burn It Down

All what left is ashes

I wonder sometimes if everything was a lie
Like an image I created in my mind about you,
Like a painting I drew in my happiest moments and when I finished .. it looked awful.

People say time moves faster and the days pass like a wind, but I never believed that shit until today ..
why the days move slower than a snail when I try to erase you from my heart ..!

Too many questions, too many words left in my throat, so much anger stayed in my heart towards you, but nothing will fix a damaged soul, nothing will ever cover up the burning bruises you left on my skin and nothing will heal my broken bones.

Yes my dear, you came like a warm breeze after a lonely winter night, but then you left like a cold wind leaving behind only sickness that there's no cure for it.

I sit alone in my dark room and get lost in it,
the same room that you filled it up with your touches and smell, the same room that I loved and felt safe in it, but now all I feel is scared and choked because of your ghost, because of the same fingerprints you left turned to black dust and same smell turned to cold old blood.

My dear, you might ask how I feel .. right?
Well, I'd answer with this :
all I feel is anger and frustrated, mixed with regrets, regrets for letting you in and angry for how foolish I was to trust your words and how careless you were to leave your love exposed for your family ..
how you lived in your pink imagination, leaving your dairy between your sister's hands ..
letting her come to my work place attacking me with her painful words, words felt like poison knife ripping my heart over and over again,
How I got so insulted and ashamed because of you, how you tied my hands and shut my mouth for your safety, and how she forced me to give her a promise..
promise to keep you far away from my life..

But my dear, sadly I will tell you and hope my words reach out to you loudly that I'll keep holding on to that promise till I die.
I can't hear anything from you and I won't open my doors for you again..

Yes you tried for me and you still do but stop please, this game already ended in that night.
I wish I kept rejecting your love and kept you at least as friends.. like how we were laughing together and fighting like kids over silly things, but right now, I didn't only lose a lover but a dear friend too ..

You are so selfish my love and foolish in a wild way, that breaks my heart more, seeing your texts over my phone screen every few days and reading your hopeless words, telling me that you want us back !! After everything there's no us left, I don't want your love, care, warmth or your hands any longer.
Let me live with your ghost till I have nothing of you in my mind, let me live in peace once again but away from you.

"All I want is, to burn this world and leave it only with ashes and your memories"

I hate you ..
words I wish I can say it louder but I can't cause I'm so hopeless.
You made it look safe to fall in love with you but the truth was awful..

"It's ok, it will pass"

Words I hear from my friends but I can't believe them ..
tell me how it can pass after leaving your taste in my mouth?
Tell me how can it pass after all this bruises you made on my weak body?

You're not the only one to blame my love, I'm carrying half of the blame and shame too, half of your love and hate, half of everything
But you don't carry half of my pain..

My love, the night you left I was laughing then getting quiet and laughing again..
They told me I was in denial but the truth is I was in my cold storm again..
the storm I fight for two years alone, the storm that I was stuck in, feeling scared and weak till you came and pulled me to your arms, carrying me away from this storm for a while then throwing me once again in it alone.

The night you left, I wasn't able to feel anything but the next day after I woke up sick like a dead body and sadly I survived with my heavy chest
I slept like a sad dog day and night to pass the time here without you and skip thinking about the mess you caused but again I survived all this tragedy.

I don't hate you but I don't love you anymore as a lover ..
I still carry our good memories but as friends.
I still care about you but I can't accept you or your apology.

My last words for you..
please stay away from me and stop being selfish in your love any longer, stop trying or reaching out to me, you're only putting me in danger and making me miserable..
stay alive and healthy, stay safe and strong, stay happy and keep smiling like you always were..

I won't forget you but I can't forgive what happened, just live in peace but not close to me.

My love wipe those tears and breathe,
We couldn't write our love story together but at least we made some warm memories, so let's end this love journey in peace and not damage our heart any longer.