Evita♡ (By FlowerGirl231109)

Dwang (20/10/2024)

Today i'm going to talk in my own languge.

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Mijn dwanggedachten begonnen in 2022, ik zat naast mijn beste vriendin in de les. Ik weet nog toen mijn dwanggedachten voor de eerste keer op kwam. Ik voelde een mix van angst en verwarring. Ik dacht: wat is dit nou. En wat gebeurt er dan? Je geeft het aandacht. Natuurlijk ga ik mezelf niet de schuld geven, het kwam gewoon op. 

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Ik actually started some time before this, I need to admit. I was always concentratig myself to much on my breathing, how many times I blink, so on. It felt like I was stuck in a circle. Everytime when I got over one of my worries, another one replaced it. Like I could never not worry, not worry. Right now, I'm also in a circle. Again. 

So I actually had those thoughts for some time. But I never saw them in that light, never gave them a certain name. Right now, I do. Probably because it wasn't only that, also wanting everything to look perfect. Whenever I left the hous or saw it like that. 

Sorry, let's start at the beginning. If you want to know or listen. 

As I said it started in 2022, with that one though. I don't remember much after that. Only that. Becuase of these thoughts, I couldn't keep anything to myself. I've always been that kind of person, I can't keep secrets from my parents especially my mom. I just can't. That triggered everything the most, I think. I started saying hurtful things to my bestfriend, my opinions, my parents opinions about her. Hurting her at spots she couldn't handle. I know, you may think that i'm a mean person and a bad friend. I was. But I never wanted to hurt her, I was just so paranoid and scared. That whenever I disobayed them once. I was doomed. 

In the end, I learned from it. I'm never going to hurt her like that again. 

It went down hill in summer 2023. It may sound dramatic if I say it like that. We were going on a vacation in a camper. It sounded so fun with the 4 of us, going around France, discovering new places. But it was all so hard for me. I became very sensative because we had such little space in there, so. I don't know how to write this. Started telling everything I did, It irritated everyone around me. But I couldn't help it. 

I remember when we made a quick stop at the beginning of our journey, as I sat down at a bench. Reading under a tree. When I sat in the back of the camper, listening to my favrouite song. Back then and it still is. 

-Little Dark Age - MGMT 

And Master of Puppets. I wanted to master my thouhts so badly. but I couldn't find peace. I couldn't.

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So, how am I doing right now? It's 20 octobre 2024. It's hard to say, it goes up and down. Every day again. But im not out of that circle yet. Yet. Im going to a therapist right now, it helps me. But most of it I do myself. Just like evryone else does. 

I'm stuck with one thought for some time. Trying to accept it, letting it go. But constantly thinking, telling, not telling, telling, not telling. Right now i'm better since yesterday. But yea, what about tomorrow. Or next week? Next month?? I don't know when this is going to go away, when this thought is going to leave me alone. When. When. When. We will never know. And that thought will never go away. That's the hard truth. But I can learn to accept, giving myself the time. To let it go and grow. 

Thankyou. For anyone. Who's reading this. 

-Evita