I'm sick of it. Sick of everything he's made of. The way he acts, they way he talks, and even the way he smiles. Yet, at the same time he is my medicine. I get high of his presence, and I seep into dreams when I think of him.
It has crossed my mind way to many times, "It" being how much I hate and love this guy at the same time.
I wonder why he treated me the way he did, then again it was so surreal. I don't have to wonder, I just know.
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I sat on my bed with an oversized t-shirt swallowing me whole. The window was letting light into the room but it was not enough to brighten my spirits. Drinking coffee was my way to cope with things, considering I was on my second mug-full. I needed energy badly.
So I forced myself to get up, although a day in bed was in my favor. I slipped on some shorts, mainly because I personally don't enjoy tromping around the practically half naked. But my little brother thinks that is a great idea, no more like a FANTASTIC idea.
I had so much going on in my head, And of course I am like Switzerland when it comes to decisions and such.
It was June 6th, which meant school was newly over for a while. I slid open my I phone and saw two notifications. One was a text from my mom "Hi Aspyn, I hope you and Chris have fun today and make sure to let Noodles outside. Love you bunches!" She was on a quick business trip which meant I was the "man of the house" for the day. I replied "thanks mom, love u" and went back to my home screen. I clicked on Instagram to see "@Tucker.Collins tagged you in a photo"
"Holy shhh..." I started to say.
It was a picture of us that was taken a LONG time ago. It was captioned "I miss her smile, and damn do I miss her." I almost threw my phone across the room but luckily I channeled my emotions in time. The thing is, Tucker and I have a interesting past and I wasn't sure if I was prepared for another go around.
Our story is a rough one. We got together in seventh grade which was kinda pointless, but you can't change the past. We stayed together all the way through most of junior year and it all happened.
My dad died in a five car pile up on the highway. I spent the whole rest of that day sobbing. It took a while for me to get over but I'm fine now. But I was really upset and he was not there for me when I needed him most. I'm not saying he wasn't sorry but he was no where near close to acting how I would've if his parent died.
He would take offense to everything, when I was the one who had their world blown to bits. If I was mad, I was not mad at him. But he took it that way. It drove us apart, we ended up totally disconnecting. A few days later he sent flowers and a letter saying he was a dumb ass hole and he shouldn't have treated me that way. I read the letter, sat there, and sobbed as I read the last line " Sincerely to my beloved- Tucker " I put the pink roses in a vase, and tried to collect myself. That took place almost six weeks ago. We haven't really talked since, but I know now that he misses me. I kind of miss him too, but I'm mad. I miss his smile the way he misses mine, yet I don't get the pleasure of seeing it everyday now. I was ready to take another chance on this boy I had loved for five years. But if he blew it again, God I'd make him pay.
I liked the photo he posted, it was of us on our first "date". It wasn't much of a date, it was really just a seventh grade pep rally. I wore his little blue and yellow Cougars jersey with a big number 7 and COLLINS printed on the back. My hair was curled up in a high pony with a bow that was practically a hat. He had his arm around me awkwardly for the first time. We looked so happy. His friend Jay was in the background with bunny ears over my head and my friend Aimee was making a heart symbol with her hands. I miss moments like that. I commented "Text me... Awe" on the photo and took a big breathe. I plugged my phone back I and went to go let our Pomeranian, Noodles outside. I stepped out on the porch and waited for Noodles to take care of business. I heard my phone ring from the kitchen. "Come on Noodles, inside!" I half yelled half squealed to the fluff ball of a dog. I made a bee line to my phone but I was a few rings to late. A few seconds later I had a voicemail from someone. It was Tucker. I clicked on it and he said "Aspyn René Carter, I am the dumbest man in existence. I have loved you from the moment my little 12 year old eyes saw you and God, I still do. You might hate me for what happened but I was going through a rough spot too. I was mad because I didn't want to effect you by telling you my problems and it affected us. We can overcome and obstacle together, you and me. I love you Asp." I was in tears by this point. I had a plan. I went into Chris's room and flipped on the lights. "Chris you are going to Andrew's house to play today, get up so I can get you dressed." I said to him. His little four year old ball of energy had him up in ready in no time. I ran into my room and changed into a black romper, threw on a bit of makeup, a necklace, and put my crazy titanium blonde hair up in a top knot. I grabbed my phone and texted Tucker. "Your house in 20 mins, be there(;". I got Chris into his car seat and we were off. I drove my little white Prius as fast as the speed limit would allow to his little friends house. Andrew's mom told me Chris was welcome to come over and the loved having him so I wasn't saying no to that. I pulled into their driveway and scooped my little brother up and carried him to the front door. Angela, Andrew's mom opened the door "Hi Aspyn! I'll have your mom pick him up later, so have fun today." So I handed him of and hopped right back in the car. Tucker's house was 12 minutes away so I wasn't too worried.
I eventually got there, and pulled up into his long driveway and parked in my "spot". I walked on the sidewalk to his door, I turned the corner and there he was. I ran to him like I was in a marathon. He held me so tight for song long. I couldn't help but crying. "Oh my god I've missed you so much" I said between sobs. "Me too Asp, me too."
He let go and looked me in the eyes. "You have no idea how much I love you." He said. I reached up and kissed him on the cheek like I used to do all the time. "I love you too" I whispered in his ear. He smiled and invited me inside.
We ran up the stairs into his bedroom. I was shocked to see our pictures still hanging up on his wall and the signed football I got him from a NFL game was still on his desk sitting next to the exact bow I wore in the picture 5 years ago. I was shocked he kept my stuff. "So, how have you been?" I managed to ask. He was sitting on his usual spot, the squishy chair in the corner of his room while I was flopped on his king size. "Well besides missing you like crazy, alright I guess." He said nonchalantly. "Wait Tucker, what was your problem? You never told me." He grew depressed in the face "When your dad passed in the car accident my dad divorced my mother. He packed up and left u. I couldn't tell you because you completely lost your dad and you loved him so much. If I told you what happened I was afraid you'd be mad because your dad was completely gone and mine wasn't yet it was a big deal." he was crying. I had never seen him cry before, he had always been so strong. Even when he broke his arm in 8th grade he didn't shed a tear. "Babe. Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, I felt absolutely horrible. He replied "Because I'd rather love you than love myself."
