short writing

Wiccan Me

This is a short essay based off of Michael Leunig's essay Leftie Me. 

It's true. I have to come clean. I am a Wiccan. A wicked witch, a wise woman, a sorceress.

How do we survive in society with our green skin, ugly, wrinkly faces and strangely large noses covered in warts? Wearing pointy black hats and large cloaks that somehow drape perfectly over ourselves, and probably have a hood on them. We always leave with a dramatic exit surrounded by mist that magically appears before us. How we dance naked around a bonfire under the full moon, casting terrible spells on our enemies. Watch out or we might curse you and your family, giving you pig noses for generations.

We spend our time in small-secluded huts and gingerbread houses, far away from civilization. Although some of the lucky ones live in luxury in an old dark castell, surrounded in a moat full of alligators, covered in trees and a wall of thorns, with only flying monkeys to keep us company. We have owls as friends, and enjoy mixing spells in our cauldrons, creating glowing green mist that will poison our enemies, sending them to sleep until they are awoken by their true love's kiss. We all own wands and fly on broomsticks, although the more modern witch will fly on vacuum cleaners. We pride ourselves on our poison apples, evil laughs and wicked ways.

I mean, with all of the representation in the media like this, it has to be true, right? There is no way that we live in urban suburbs like the everyday person. No way that we have normal jobs, go to normal schools and eat at normal restaurants. Not possible that we could look attractive without using trickery.

Because there are only good, pretty, white witches, or bad, ugly, old witches that use black magic. Of course the idea that there is actually no such thing as good or bad magic would be preposterous. So would the idea that Wicca has actual beliefs and celebrations that don't involve princesses and true love would be crazy.

It's so crazy it's true. Good and bad magic is pure Hollywood. The only thing a Wiccan considers is whether or not it is hurtful or harmful, and if so, is it worth it coming back to them threefold. Because a belief that Wiccans have, as crazy as it seems, is the rule of threefold. That everything you do comes back to you threefold. Another one of these crazy ideas is that they should be kind to others and their environment. How insane is that? Celebration is also a large part of Wiccan culture. One celebration for every season, a celebration for the longest day and the shortest, one for all hallows eve. And that's only to name a few. We are a partying bunch. And I've never danced naked under a full moon around a fire. Why would I? It would be awfully breezy and cold.

I am learning to read tarot cards, which have a long history derived from Europe. There are 78 cards in a deck, and each card has two meanings, depending on if it is dealt upside down or the right way up. That's 156 meanings! That takes a lot of motivation. Clearly I could not be up to any wicked schemes as I am too busy learning tarot.

Obviously, I am not green. I have never heard of a Wiccan being green, unless they have painted themselves the colour. This I promise, washes off. I do not have any warts; I do get the occasional pimple, like many other teenagers do. Although if all teenagers who had pimples were witches, we would certainly be large in number. The pointiest hat I own is one that has cat ears on it. I do not have a black cat that talks to me and gives me advice; I have a grey one. She meows at me when she wants food and attention. I don't have an oddly large nose, it's rounded, sure, but that's a family trait, and not all of my family is Wiccan. I am also not old, or wrinkly. That would be strange if I was, I would be like some kind of real life Benjamin Button.

Maybe if the media toned down their view on what a witch 'should be like', I wouldn't have to make my friends worry that if they annoyed me I would send them into some kind of coma, that of course, can only be cured by true loves first kiss. Or have them wonder why I'm not green. Besides, green isn't my color anyway. 

I hope you enjoyed this, if you did let me know. Thank you!