I just want someone to love me. someone to call me beautiful without asking, someone to understand how I feel. I just wanted to be a little girl. that's all I wanted from being young, and it hurts to know that my childhood was flawed. forced to be a prodigy, forced to be great.
now I'm getting older, and I'm scared of it. I don't want to be big, I don't want to be responsible. I'm petrified of finding a partner, because I'm afraid they wouldn't understand my need for paternal attention in a romantic relationship.
to be hidden from the world and kept safe has to be the greatest gift any parent can try to give their child. I couldn't dream of Santa Claus, or even the Easter Bunny.
I feel permanently damaged. like I have a missing piece required for being a human, when I didn't even have it.
how am I supposed to understand my child when I wasn't a child ever? how am I gonna be a mom when I didn't even experience what it was like to have a childish nature.
because my heart yearns for it. it aches, and nothing will help it. I can pretend that someday someone will help me, try to fill the everlasting hole in that piece of my heart. but I doubt anyone will try, let alone want me.
hating your face sucks. especially when nobody knows that you do to the extent you do. like, I hate my face. I feel disgusting.
I feel gross. I feel bad about my body hair, my face, the way my body is shaped. I hate all of it.
and when I ask for validation, I get accused of fishing. I just want someone to lift me up the way I do them.
I just want a dad. a dad that would punish me instead of degrading me. a dad that let me believe in the fantasy of being young.
I like to pretend I still can restore it. I still try. anytime I'm alone, I try to fill that hole by pretending.
I feel so sick. I just want someone to hold me. so bad.
