December 27th,
London, UK
Skylark Apartments
Angus
I had been sitting on the windowsill again, staring off into the distance. It was raining heavily and I sometimes focused on a droplet, following it with my gaze as it made its way down the window. I had given up, a cigarette in my mouth. I didn't notice Hope walking in at first, lost in thought.
"You alright?" I shrugged, taking a long drag of the smoke. "What happened?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yeah, seeing as you're my best friend." I sighed, blowing the smoke out.
"I found Bon yesterday, drunk, high and bleeding out."
"Is he back to cutting?" I froze, frowning.
"Back?"
"He didn't tell you? He used to cut himself." Hope told me, sitting across from me.
"I didn't notice..."
"He hides it." I sighed again, bringing the cigarette to my mouth. "Did you two argue?"
"I left him." Hope arched an eyebrow.
"Left him?"
"Yes, I ended it. I hope he got that." I mumbled.
"Because he slipped up?!" Hope exclaimed. I turned to face her.
"Whose side are you on?"
"No one's. I'm sorry, I just think you might've overreacted."
"He chose to go on a bender instead of spending time with me," I mumbled, turning away again.
"He's an addict, it's not his fault!"
"It is his fault, he's the one who couldn't resist drugs."
"Said the man smoking a cigarette." I glared at my friend and pointedly took a long drag. Hope rolled her eyes. "Look, all I'm saying is you should let him explain. Then, you can decide whether to forgive him or not." She stared at me for a while before walking to her room. I contemplated what she said for a while and decided to go talk to him later that day. I still hadn't let myself cry, choosing instead to sulk in silence.
I wasn't angry anymore, I was just disappointed. I understood that he was an addict but I felt used when he chose addiction over me.
===
Around 5 pm, I walked into the ward he was in to see him shaking, chewing on his lip, with his eyes wide and pupils blown.
"Are you okay?" I asked, angry at myself for letting emotions take over. Bon nodded hesitantly. "Stupid question, I can see you aren't. What's wrong?"
December 27th,
London, UK
University College Hospital
Bon
I knew he wasn't really there. I knew Angus was. But he was just staring at me in silence, his gaze disapproving. Ang was speaking to me but I couldn't concentrate on him.
"You can't be here." I whispered, terrified. He chuckled maliciously.
"I'm not."
"What?" Ang's voice broke through the fog and I glanced at him briefly.
"I'm sorry, Lee, I'm so sorry."
"Lee?" Ang frowned then seemed to understand. "You're hallucinating." I nodded, taking a deep breath. Angus left the room, presumably to get a doctor, while Lee sat beside me on the bed.
"Babe, I'm not mad... I'm fucking furious." His voice went from calming to angry in a split second. "This is what killed me, you killed me."
"I didn't m-mean to k-kill you, I swear." I whimpered, jerking my hand away from him when he grabbed it. I knew he was a hallucination yet his touch felt real.
"Then why did you drink? You promised me you'd stop..." I felt my chest tightening and I suddenly couldn't breathe. It took me a few seconds to realise it was because he was choking me. "You killed me, so now I'm gonna kill you." My vision was darkening and I could feel my heart speed up. When two doctors reached me, Lee disappeared but I still couldn't breathe. I felt the beginning of a seizure before everything went black.
Waking up a few hours later, I saw I was in a different room. At first glance, it was just me, Ang and a doctor but then I saw Lee standing beside the IV stand, holding scissors to the cord. I exhaled and tried to ignore him, focusing on answering the doctor's questions.
"Do you know who you are?" I nodded, "You're going through withdrawal. We've started you on some medication to help manage the symptoms so you might feel a little woozy. Let us know immediately if you experience any new symptoms, okay?" I nodded again and the doctor left, leaving the three - two - of us alone.
"You came back," I murmured, smiling. Angus sighed.
"Yeah, I did. Only so you could fucking explain." I glanced at Lee who was arching an eyebrow.
"This guy is an asshole, do you actually love him?" I clenched my fists and tried ignoring him.
"Can you still see him?" I heard Angus ask. I nodded and he sighed, reaching over to hold my hand. "Please tell me why."
"I've told you before that I drink too much, right? Well, I was unusually nervous so I had a drink to calm me down, which turned into another and another. And then I found the heroin. Being a bit buzzed, I thought that would've been a good idea. I -"
"No, I get that. But why did you try to kill yourself?"
"I didn't, I swear. After I shot up, I felt like shit about what I did so I thought I deserved to be hurt for hurting you."
"Oh, you idiot," Ang murmured, walking up to put his arms around me, "You didn't and don't deserve it. I overreacted because I was so scared and shocked... Hope told me you used to cut... Why didn't you mention it?"
"I didn't want you to think I was pathetic..." I mumbled, looking up at the ceiling.
"Oh, Bonnie, no..." Ang trailed off, holding me tight. "Don't scare me like that again. I'm always here for you, okay?" I nodded, kissing the top of his head.
"Thank you." Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Lee glaring at us. I knew it was just the withdrawal and that Lee never would've been like that but it felt real enough to be painful.
"Will you please stop drinking? For me? Hell, do it for you. Look what it's doing to you..."
"I'll do my best. I swear. I -" I can't remember what happened then, because my vision went dark again as my head hit the pillow.
===
December 27th,
London, UK
University College Hospital
Angus
His second seizure was serious enough for full sedation. They told me his life was at risk. I was sitting silently on the hard, plastic chair, watching his chest rising and falling. Four days of full sedation, I was told, then three days for observation. After that, the most severe stage would be over and then he'd need at least two weeks of rehab. I reached over to hold his head, nearly bursting into tears when it limply rested in mine. Despite how much I wanted to curl up and cry, I knew I had to be strong. For Bon's sake.
