The Power of goodbye

Chapter Three: Get Together

September 20, 2008        6:24 AM        Entry #68 Journal #2

I usually am not awake this early. I've been awake for an hour with no hopes of going back to sleep at this point. What sleep I did get was restless. I hoped that I would have been well-rested for today, but if I can't sleep then I can't sleep. I have dinner with Y/N again this evening, and tonight I am going to be progressing the plan forward now that I can actually touch her and not feel... revolted. Maybe that's why I can't fall asleep? The past few weeks have been hard to get through and it is a wonder how I am able to even write. I feel as though I have come a long way from last week and the week after.

[Sidney sighs, tapping his pen on the page. He felt bothered.]

I think about how much she gets to me, especially at first, when I make comparisons. I think she left me so angry I was just so pissed off Coffee.

[Sidney scribbles out the failed attempts to start his sentence, feeling frustrated at his inability to express himself. He sighs again to show that, but he can't exactly write that down as a feeling.]

After leaving coffee like what, a month ago(?) I was so angry just from spending two hours with her. I don't know what I hated more listening to her talk about herself or her answers to listening to me. Every one of her answers just pissed me off and it felt as though she was just taunting me.

[That last sentence was only half of the truth, not that Sidney was ready to acknowledge that. He excludes writing about his temper tantrum where he ruined his lamps and knocked over the contents of his desk. He does remember it, but he brushes it off as a temporary moment of weakness not worth writing down. He only acknowledges how his tantrums have lessened.]

I have come a long way. I am no longer raging in such a capacity. It's easier to be around her and I feel myself becoming comfortable with things like touch and general conversations. My rage is contained only to the pages of these journals now which means I am ready. I feel as ready as I can be to initiate the second step to my plans towards confrontation day.

Tonight will either officially begin my time undercover, or will mean I will need to think outside of the box. I am going to ask her once again to be my girlfriend, and hopefully she has warmed up to the idea of me now that I am not like the person I once was. I feel as though it might still be too soon, I mean I remember how asking her after a month of only knowing each other went and why she declined.

[Sidney thought back to you asking him if it was a bit too soon for dating all those years ago when he asked you on a date after knowing you for about a month. He can remember feeling embarrassed to have not even considered pacing himself and apologized to you profusely. The embarrassment is no longer there; it is only a memory. Sidney accepts the fact that he doesn't like to wait.]

However, I feel as though I can get her to say yes to me if the moment is right- if I am just right. She has her rights to privacy, autonomy, and to her home so she could very well throw me out, but I feel confident that she won't do that to me. At the end of the day she is only human. She is dumb and she is moldable and she is lonely. I can tell she's lonely whenever she laughs too loud or when her touch lingers on me. I can tell because she always responds in the moment and never an hour later to a text message or phone call. That alone almost guarantees my yes from her.

And if everything else goes according to plan then she will be easy to indoctrinate to the ways that are mine, and I will crush her with guilt even though it will be me doing the hurting this time around. 

"Oh fuck you!" you exclaim, but you begin to laugh almost immediately after your outburst as you take another drink of wine.

The lights in your apartment are low lit and romantic as you both indulged in wine, cheeses, and meats while enjoying a friendly game of scrabble. You are dressed beautifully having thought that Sidney would be taking you out for dinner and wanting to look your best. To your surprise Sidney had arrived early and in the middle of you getting ready.