The Power of goodbye

Chapter Four Part One: Who's that Girl?

11/08/08        Entry #39

Dear Diary,

To kick things off, I remembered to stick to my morning rituals this morning like my counselor said to do. I even remembered to floss my teeth. I took my time getting ready even though it was cold this morning and I didn't want to do anything. Today is a big day today and I feel like I can't be deterred by nothing! Sidney is going to be giving me a tour of his nonprofit today and I couldn't be more excited to see the place in person. He has been kind of dodgy about bringing me by, but I'm glad that he feels ready to show me around.

The most I know about the organization is what Sidney has told me and what I looked up online but I mean everything about it appears very legit. I admit that I felt a little bit doubtful of the legitimacy- not that I question Sidney's character! I guess it just all felt too good to be true and I wanted to see it for myself. All the pictures from the website look like they were from when it was first built, which I think was like 2006 or something like that, so it's a very young organization.

Sidney isn't exactly open with me about work or even things in his personal life, but I kind of like that for the stage that we are at. We have barely been dating for three months at this point and have been taking it slow. Like very slow. Like we haven't even had sex yet kind of slow we've been going on dates and talking to each other when we can. Our dates feel like the usual hang outs before we got together, almost like we are dating each other for the first time which is relieving to me.

I was worried that we would be picking up where we left off and that feels... way too intense for me so I am glad things are light. I don't want to see myself losing myself in him again so I feel like nurturing this slow burn romance is very healthy for me. But I was also worried that is it too slow? I hope he isn't resenting me for it, but I haven't picked up on any resentment from him.

However I think seeing his organization is the perfect first step to reestablishing our intimacy! I think I might show him my work place sometime soon in return to reciprocate the effort he is putting forward. Honestly Sidney has been super sweet these past few months and I am grateful for that. Maybe after we've seen each other's workplaces I can see his apartment since we've mostly been spending time at mine, which doesn't bother me. I like being comfortable and well there's no place like home! Still haven't won a game of scrabble yet though...

[You pull your hand away from the page, your pen dropping lightly next to your diary. You shake and pop your wrist while moving your fingers around. Your fingers were beginning to ache and cramp up. You were getting old, you joked. Taking the moment to rest your hand, you flip the pages to view some of your older entries. You skim through some of the old entries from the beginning. Self-reflection is good, and since the death of your cat (C/N) you've been keeping a journal to help you feel less lonely. You get a thought that you feel should be written down.]

I am really glad that Sidney has come back into my life all things considered. It's been about a year since C/N died and I have been feeling really lonely without her here. She's always been there, and she was like my connection to my old home. I was considering moving back home because I've just been so torn up over her passing. I've tried dating this year too because I thought that enough time had passed in my life for that to happen and it was all... ugh it was just a failure I don't want to think about it. I wasn't clicking with anybody and I wasn't really interested in anybody I met with. It felt like I kept pairing with people in college and I'm not interested in that, but with Sidney it all feels so natural. It's always been like that.

You hear a car honk from outside, tearing you out of your concentration. Once again your pen fall from your grasp, this time flipping once in the air before landing on your desk. Hastily, you shut your diary and hide it in your open bra drawer. Peering out the window, you see Sidney hanging his head out of a burgundy sedan. He had one hand on the wheel and another trying to block the sun glare's, trying to see if you were even home. He waves when he sees you in the window, and a smile broke out on your face as you rushed out of your room. Next to your couch a scented candle was lit. It was one gifted to you by Sidney and it was your favorite scent.