Just to let you know, the day you receive this it'll either mean I can't hold it in me anymore OR I just don't care, but I trust you can figure out the context by yourself hhh.
Ouf where do i start, 10/10/2023 that's when u decided to buy that damn train ticket and come spend the week ftanja.I felt lost, all I was thinking about was why tf would she come, oh god my place is trash, no money in my pockets etc. I knew it was selfish from me to think about that but I understood it all when I saw what state you were in, I didn't understand the devastation caused by the fight between you and your friends until I saw it in front of me. I tried to make up for it and fill the void, I couldn't.....
Those long everyday calls were the happiest part of it, finally it's making u feel happy again, it's making you feel the warmth of a friendship,but I never realized what it would cause me, then I started realizing stuff I never knew I would think of, did she suddenly get 10 times prettier? Why am I staring too long at her face while she's yapping about God knows what? We calling each other nicknames now? Since when have we ever done that?.......I just said meeh mouad ur not mentally there and I just got used to it, it's a phase passing by.
Then u started talking about Adam. Everytime I heard lmosi9ar it felt like a stab in my gut, I hated him so much to the extent that I got mad at u everytime ur lips spelt his stupid name, it was unbearable, I wanted those feelings to stop but I couldn't get a hold of myself, it was uncontrollable, I wanted to get over it but it just got way worse, I was lost, I forgot about myself, I couldn't eat nor sleep ,or even go to school, but all those mear problems faded when our long call finally started,it felt heavenly
Fast forward to when we were sure you're coming for a second visit, I was so ecstatic that I forgot that nada just wanted some place for free where she can fuck her boyfriend, all I was thinking about was how to make your stay as comfy and good as possible, i didn't get groceries just so we can get them together. So u came and we hugged fla garre and I kid you not I have never felt such a good sincere lovingly hug to this day, expect from my mom(ta7ia L Freud hhhh),and we got that cake, oh god that cake, I remember the one time I went to the same coffee shop with doaa, I told her it wasn't that good just to preserve you as the only person associated with my favorite cake, we watched SpongeBob until we slept, couldn't ask for a better day in my whole life.
Worst part of all of this is that you couldn't stop talking to that weak fuck li f fransa, while you are sat next to me, I couldn't stop myself and I showed I was annoyed, truth was I was burning inside, idk if you got the hint but it was so obvious that I had feelings for you, Idk what got in me but I drank that whole vodka bottle just to get balls and spill it out, thank god mayssame had u go in her room before I said anything.
Why I felt like shit the next day, wasn't a hangover, nor cuz I brought alcohol to their house, it was because I was lost and I felt unbearable.
But it all went away on our way to the airport, all the hate and anger that i had in the morning was drained on the road to bring nada, and how pretty you were, it was agonizing knowing that you will be leaving in the next few hours, that moment we were sat on your pants in the beach is ingraved in memory with every detail, the kid swimming that looked like azar, horses running back and forth, the ship that was so far when we first sat, I still look at the pictures we took with a heart full of emotions
I somehow realized you would never share the same feelings that I have, that's when I met doaa, I felt something different for her, was it as pure as what I had for you? No, we only wanted to fuck each other, once we did I knew it wasn't it, yet I had her around all the time, it never felt right, she knew I was there as a body but my mind is always somewhere else, she kept complaining about it, she knew I wasn't over you yet, I tried to be a loving person to her, but I could never, I explained to her what I was going through,im glad she didn't blame me for it, it was uncontrollable, then I tried to find the slightest reason to ghost you, it hurt me way more than it did for you, but it was necessary, every time I tried to tell u I was either busy or with doaa but you kept complaining that I wasnt giving you time anymore, you should've realized it was for the best of us. But something gave me hope, the way you were finally the one who's wanting my time, the way you didn't miss the chance to call doaa ugly and saying she was just my fuck toy made me realize is she getting jealous? why is she acting this way? shouldn't she be happy for me that I finally found someone I love and I can be affectionate with? Or she just misses my presence.
I was torn between doubt and uncertainty, even when months have passed I can't pinpoint what was it really, were you sharing the same feelings for me, or was I just a hopeless human who's trying to feed into its delusions. Our endless fights over nothing were agonizing, why are we in this, weren't we cool few months ago? I didn't think much of it, for the first time in 2 years I put myself first, I've cut off everyone just to focus on school and I thank God it worked and passed the year. But I never healed
Finally it's summer,I've realized maybe it was me, I wasn't even in the range of your preferences, shorter than your liking , skinny-fat and broke, these things made me numb, all I was thinking about is myself, I wanted to max out, reach my full potential, all for the sake of finally catching your attention, idk if you noticed but I was so joyful whenever you complimented my looks, u were my only motivation for a stable healthy future, a beautiful future we can possibly share, have kids together, grow with each other.I took you for granted, I thought you were coming to tangier, and I was so prepared for it, once I knew you couldn't come at all, another three years of separation, when will we finally unite? I felt heartbroken, no need for you to share the same feelings, I only wanted you next to me, but my seek for perfection and personal upgrades made me forget my goal, YOU.
Or that's what I thought, once I landed in tanja I thought the feelings went away, and it stayed like that for a while a very long while, finally I can talk to you without thinking much, until that damn day happened, I woke up to what seemed like suicidal goodbyes, I kid you not the earth started spinning around me I didn't know what to do, I was just there on the floor staring at your message, and no im not being dramatic I literally fell to the floor cuz I thought i was late, I was finally relieved when I heard your voice, I didn't know what to do I was just saying anything, talking just to make sure it's your real voice, I couldn't control myself and started crying, I couldn't remember the last time tears fell down my face before that day, and suddenly it all came back , didn't know only the thought of losing you would reignite those emotions, thinking of you going on those countless dates became painful again, remembering that you kissed another person's cheek makes me want to haunt them down, torture anyone you're talking to, just the thought of you might be hiding more than what you're telling burns me from the inside, not a minute goes by without thinking of you. Again
30/10
Now im writing this while in a call with you, u are talking about another man, u can sense the attitude im giving yet u ignore how clear the reason is, this has become so negative that I'd rather be dead instead of seeing u with another person, it's so fucked up but that's how possessive I became, all because of u, u keep acting like it's not obvious that im in love with you.
It's almost midnight, im calling, no answers, idk why but this thought of u in someone else's arms makes me want to swallow pills, slice my throat and arms, hang my self and jump from the window, all at the same time.
Well I do know why lol
31/10
idk what got to me yesterday, i realised i just dont want to see u having fun elsewhere, nothing I do is more fun than spending time with you, even virtually, ur absence is painful, i hate my attachement, i should have the upper hand from now on, i lost control over my feelings, i hate when im not swimming and its just the waves of emotions playing with my dead body.
post call: did u just flash me? i just acted like i didnt see anything just to see if youre going to hold it back, u denied although ive seen it all, i dont care honestly as long as you are with me in a call, it didnt move a thing in me, did i just pass the phase of being attracted physically? your soul and presence is more than enough.
1/11
maybe its time, u can either act like nothing ever happened and itll be easy for both of us, or just disappear and cause harm to both of us, forgive me im doing this i have no control over it anymore, i feel like im gonna do something to myself if i hold it more in me, suicidal thoughts have been roaming my head since forever, i just dont communicate them at all, do whatever you please, just don't hate me, I can't live with the thought that you hate me, u're the my most cherished .
