Junior Jump scares

Looking Forward/Looking Back

2:06am 10/20/2024

Looking forward

Time passes and people leave
I don't want to push you away

Friendships come and friendships go and sometimes 1 or 2 stay

And the past is a void that I can't see too close
Ill get sucked down and away from the ones who care the most
In the darkness the future is nowhere to be found

But I'm wanting
I'm trying
To look forward now.
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10/27/1:23am

Broken Record.

I think that I am beautiful
That I'm doing the best I can

I think my mom is cynical
Invading my mental demand

For one clear thought or one nice thing
She's fogging up my self esteem
And the voice that was green's become red with envy

To become like everyone she wants to be that's not me

Created a perfect persona in her mind
Feeling inadequate in mine
And the feeling and the thoughts shine my eyes blind

But they only come out when it's dark at night

Looking in the camera in the mirror for my face

Knowing all she sees is an utter disgrace.

And knowing in my mind all of the things she thinks I lack, and wondering why do I make myself feel like that.
Give myself this flack
Busy because I know her standards doesn't mean I should hold to them
If she says the world is ending that's the truth then?

When up is down and hope is gone why am I stuck still singing this song

This broken records been skipping too long and it's

Making my head hurt. I can't seem to hit pause. It's like hearing a scratched CD skipping and it just never stops

And every time I lie awake is every time that CD played and through the speakers the sound waves burst through my daze and deepen the scar around past days the same disgraces over and over it's true

I still find myself constantly wondering how to please you. When you're not here. When the judges have all gone home, why am I so tense even when I'm all alone.  I can't seem to rest, the spotlight shines down, I turn on the music but it's just skipping now, my skates are untied

The audience laughs

I'm lying in my room negatively filling in the gaps. I feel put on the spot. The only audience is me.  When did I upgrade from cheer leader to critique

And why does it constantly live within me

This Heinous broken record
Just stuck on repeat.