Originally posted April 6, 2013
Zara
I walked back downstairs to the living room and went straight to the bar. I remember the phone rang. I ignored it. I finished the bottle of wine, as it continued to ring and grabbed two more from under the bar. I headed back upstairs to my bedroom.
In my hallway, I have this long ornate mirror. It was a part of a set. I picked it up at a flea market somewhere. There was the long one in the hall, a smaller one on the wall over my bureau and the one on the vanity.
By this time, I honestly was feeling no pain. Matter of fact, I wasn't feeling anything. My whole body was numb. A feeling I had become all to familiar with in my life.
I remember touching my skin, on my face, my breasts, my stomach, my legs. There was nothing. No feeling at all. Just cold. Like someone had covered me with ice. But I wasn't cold. I wasn't anything.
I looked in the mirror and I swear, to this day, I saw nothing. It was like I did not exist, like I was living in a dream. I looked down. I could see my tits and my body, but when I looked up, I saw nothing. The mirror was black.
I started talking out loud again.
"Where are you?
Where the fuck are you?
Have you abandoned me too?
Why? You are the only friend I have left and now you have left me too.
Why?
I need you.
I love you. You are the only person who still loves me.
Where are you?
Please stop hiding. Please.
Where are you?"
By the time I was finished, I was yelling.
I was alone. All alone.
There was no one who cared about me anymore. No one who gave a shit about me.
I remember looking back downward, looking for my body.
Now all there was, was darkness.
I don't know if I blacked out, fainted or what.
I vaguely remember slumping to the floor and opening a bottle of wine. I don't even know how I did that. It was a corked bottle. I don't remember bringing an opener with me.
I remember sitting in the darkened hallway, drinking, staring at the mirror, calling out for her. I didn't even know who she was. She looked like me, but I didn't believe she was.
At this point I wasn't even sure who I was, where I was or even, if I was.
I got up eventually and walked back to my bedroom. I remember hearing the phone ring again. I yelled at it to stop the noise. It was like church bells pounding in my head.
When it stopped, I picked up the phone and threw it against the wall. I remember yelling,
"Leave me the fuck alone."
