Assuaging the Kindled Flames

Chapter 3

𝘿𝙞𝙨𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧

The next day, I woke up early-five in the morning. Quiet, almost peaceful, when the light from the window began to creep in through the shutters. I knew we were visiting my grandparents later in the afternoon at the cemetery. I felt that a lot of weight was on my shoulders, and I did not think I could carry this all without finding a breathing moment. I needed to be strong for them; for my siblings, for my mom.

"Inhale," as I inhaled the fresh air from the outside. "Exhale,  kaya natin 'to... kakayanin!" I said in full determination.

But most of all, I needed to be strong for myself. I realized that healing is something that does not happen with the passage of time or with the belief that the pain eventually goes away. It commences with actually accepting the hurt, facing it head on, and having the wherewithal to step forward. Maybe it won't be easy, but one thing is sure: healing begins when we decide to move on, no matter what. Paglalakbay na kailangan nating tahakin mag-isa, at paminsan, kasama ang mga taong handang sumabay sa atin.

Though my father never really left us physically, somehow he keeps leaving us in a way that cuts deeper than distance. His absence is felt in the way he drags his family through pain and suffering. The constant cycle of hurt, the emotional weight that feels like it'll never end, is exhausting. But I know I have to rise above it. I have to. For me. For us.

As I tried to shake off my anxiety, I stumbled upon a familiar bakery by the roadside. Toast, I thought they only had branches in Manila, but they apparently also have one here in Nueva Ecija. A familiar warmth settled in me, reminding me of easier days spent sipping coffee and eating pastries, far from the chaos in my head. Parang biglang gumaan, kahit papaano, ang bigat na dala-dala ko.

Namalikmata pa nga ako dahil akala kong nandoon si Kaliv kahit pa napaka-imposible naman ata na mapadpad siya rito sa Nueva Ecija.

"Come again, Ma'am," sabi ng lalaking nasa counter noong naiabot niya na sa akin ang inorder ko.

Infairness gwapo siya!

Nang makabalik ako sa bahay, isang malamig na hangin ang dumampi sa mukha ko. Pagbukas ko ng gate, nakita ko si Red sa harap ng pinto. Umiiyak siya, at ang mga mata niyang puno ng luha ay nagsasabi ng lahat. Hindi ko na kailangan pang magtanong, kasi alam ko agad na may nangyaring hindi maganda. Roux and Ate Layda were sitting beside him, trying to calm him down. I concentrated my look on Red and was able to see that he was looking for someone. Then, when he saw me walking towards them, he hastily stood up and ran towards me with Roux following close behind.

"Red is looking for you, Ate," Roux said while running towards me. "He's been like this for a while; he keeps saying he saw you last night."

"What happened, Ate Layda?" I asked Ate Layda when I arrived beside them.

"Ay, Ma'am, hindi ko po alam kung anong nangyari, pero ang sabi po ni Red, dumating daw po kayo kagabi. Hinahanap po kayo," paliwanag ni Ate Layda habang pinapakita ang pang-aalalang tumatak sa kanyang mukha. "Ilang ulit na po siyang nagtanong kung saan kayo, hindi po ako sure kung bakit niya po kayo hinahanap, kung dumating ba kayo o kung saan kayo. Wala naman po akong magawa kundi bantayan na lang siya dahil hindi ko naman ho siya mapatahan."

Nabigla ako sa narinig ko. Hindi ko akalain na may ganitong klaseng reaksyon si Red. Kung may isang bagay na hindi ko kayang tiisin, yun ay ang makita siyang nasasaktan. At sa mga sandaling iyon, naramdaman ko ang bigat na dala ng mga mata niyang puno ng takot at pangungulila. Kung bakit ganun na lang ang pag-aalala niya, hindi ko pa rin matukoy.

Dahan-dahan kong nilapitan si Red, at hinawakan ko ang kamay niya para maramdaman niyang nariyan ako. Tinitigan ko siya ng malalim, sinubukan kong magbigay ng mga mata na magpaparamdam sa kanya ng kapayapaan. Gusto ko siyang kausapin, pero alam kong hindi sapat ang mga salita para alisin ang takot na nararamdaman niya.