Barbecue

SCENE ONE

(Three dads are standing around a single grill, barbecuing.)

JIM. Beautiful day, isn't it, Bob?

BOB. Yeah, it's pretty nice out this afternoon, Jimmy boy.

JIM. I told you not to call me that, Bob.

BOB. Sorry, Jim, it's the shirt.

JIM. Are you saying something is wrong with my shirt, Bob?

BOB. Yeah, it's fucking ugly.

JIM. Excuse me?!

SCOTT. Can you guys shut up and just enjoy the weather?!

JIM. Sorry Scott.

BOB. Sorry Scott.

SCOTT. Your shirt's fucking ugly.

JIM. OKAY NOW-

BOB. Damn it Scott-

PAULINE. (Interrupting Jim and Bob:) Hey guys, how's the barbecue coming along?

SCOTT. Hello Pauline, dearest wife of Bob. What do you think of this shirt? (Gestures to Jim's shirt.)

JIM. Oh my gosh!

PAULINE. I mean... It's a shirt.

JIM. What's wrong with my shirt, Pauline?!

PAULINE. Well, I didn't say anything was wrong with it!

JIM. You implied it!

PAULINE. How did I imply it, Jimmy!

JIM. Don't fucking call me Jimmy!

PAULINE. Jimothy David Duncan! There are children nearby! (Gestures to children nearby.)

SARAH (CHILD NEARBY). (To Garret:) Can you throw the ball, Garrett?

GARRETT (CHILD NEARBY). Don't fucking call me Garrett!

(Garrett tackles Sarah.)

SARAH. Get off me asshole!

PAULINE. Look what you did, Jim!

(Jim starts crying and takes off running into the nearby woods.)

SCENE TWO

(Jim is running through the forest, dramatically.)

JIM. (Dropping to his knees dramatically:) Now I'll never be a professional barbecuer!

(A mysterious old man pops out from behind a tree.)

MYSTERIOUS MAN. You say you wish to be a professional barbecuer?!

JIM. Who are you?

MYSTERIOUS MAN. Answer the question!

JIM. Yeah, I want to be a professional barbecuer.

MYSTERIOUS MAN. I can grant you your wish if you retrieve the following items for me.

(He pulls out a list: Cow as white as milk, Cape as red as blood, Hair as yellow as corn, Slipper as pure as gold, barbecue grill.)

JIM. That's such an odd assortment, where am I even supposed to find these?

MYSTERIOUS MAN. Bring me these before the chime of midnight in three days time!