𝙎𝙐𝙉𝙎𝙀𝙏 𝘽𝙊𝙐𝙇𝙀𝙑𝘼𝙍𝘿 // 𝙍𝙊𝙎𝙀́ 𝙓 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙏𝙝𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙣 - 𝙈𝙮 𝙁𝙖𝙞𝙧 𝙇𝙖𝙙𝙮

2024

"Do you think you two used sex as a way to forget what had happened. Did you two use sex to fix things?"

It was chilly today. My Upper East Side apartment felt like an ice box when I woke up this morning. I had reached over to Y/N's side of the bed, stupidly expecting her warmth but when I felt emptiness, I broke down.

It was a new record for me, really. I managed to go a couple hours without crying about her but as soon as Irene left my home last night and I shut the door, I was met with silence. There was no laughter coming from her studio, I didn't hear the soft patter of her feet on the floor. When I returned to the living room, I didn't see her reading a book. She was gone and she took everything with her.

My happiness. My heart.

All of me.

When I laid in bed last night I found myself waiting. Waiting for what? I'm not sure exactly but my mind was conjuring images of her changing into her pyjamas, applying cream on her face, kissing my lips and whispering 'goodnight'. Hollow. I felt hollow. Warmth spilled into me but it left just as quick. Nothing stayed anymore. I was just a body with no soul.

I cried for two hours before finally falling asleep. Then I cried for another two hours when I woke up.

It's safe to say that I'm not in the best mood today and I think I can twist Irene's head off for asking such a ludicrous question.

Sex wasn't what Y/N and I did. Sex was a completely different concept from what we did. She and I made love to each other, we did not have sex. It wasn't a meaningless connection between us, it was a sacred act. We didn't become one to fulfill a void within ourselves. We weren't chasing a temporary high.

Nothing about us was temporary.

"Sex wasn't a weapon used between us in our marriage. We didn't have sex, Irene. We made love with each other. I made love to her, she made love to me. Making love was not something we did to try to fix or mend issues between us. That's ridiculous, insulting almost."

Ever since marrying Y/N, I've learned how to tone down my anger, learned how to manage my temper and not lash out on everyone but Irene had hit a nerve. She was taking a sacred act between two lovers and dumbing it down into a black and white world view. Making love was not black and white, it had complexities, a deeper meaning than just something simple.

"I...Roseanne, I didn't mean to offend you, truly."

"Then why ask such a ridiculous question? I've already told you how much Y/N and I love each other, how much we are devoted to one another. Why would you think that sex between us was just a simple plaything? Something that didn't matter? Something to use against each other...to...to try to fix things? Making love with my wife was not an act I did to try to get her to forgive me or to try to brush our issues under the rug."

I felt the burning anger spreading from my chest to my ears. The need to defend my marriage settles heavily on my chest. "That was the wrong question to ask, Roseanne. I apologize," I feel myself on the edge of my chair.

"That's the thing with you kids these days." I spit out. "You all think that sex is just sex, that there's no substance there, that there's nothing more to it. You all are wrong. So incredibly wrong and I truly hope that one day you will be able to experience something like what I had because then you'll know that sex isn't just fucking. It's a connection between two souls, such a sacred marriage between two people and to have the privilege of touching someone else, kissing them and worshipping their body — it's not something that you will ever get over. It's not something that you will ever think is black and white, ever again."