I woke up still naked, still on top of Kayce. I tried to move during the night but he just pulled me right back to where I was. l shimmied off of him quietly and put my clothes on, it wasn't awkward last night but this morning I feel awkward. After dressing I walked over to get my phone next to him, he looked so peaceful and the bags under his eyes were gone.I smiled and quietly left the room heading downstairs. The house was empty until John walked in the back door,"Rough night?"he asked. I shook my head,"Not really, he cried, we talked about it a lot. I think he'll be okay, he's still sleeping though, he looks peaceful." John nodded,"That's good he needs the rest, doesn't seem like he had a nightmare." I looked at him curiously and said," Why would he have a nightmare?" John put his head down. He spoke sadly,"He's got PTSD- from his time overseas. Every night he wakes up screaming except last night. Every night one of us have to go and sit with him when we wake him up from his dream, It scares the shit out of him. Scares the shit outta all of us honestly." Bella responded, "He didn't scream the night before when I was in Lee's room." John looked at her,"Yeah he did, he slept downstairs so he wouldn't wake you up like that. I sat up all night so the second it started I could wake him, not to scare you." I looked at him, "I'm sorry John." In the distance a wild scream started and I looked at John, "That's him." John responded as we both darted up the stairs towards his room. That scream is the most heartbreaking sound I've ever heard. Once we were in the room John ran over to him, yelling "Kayce, Kayce. You're alright son, you're home." I walked around to Kayce's side of the bed and put my hand on his neck and gently said his name. He opened his eyes and was bewildered. I spoke softy,"You're okay, you're safe. You're at home. Tate is okay." He calmed down and wrapped me against him with an embarrassed apology. "You don't need to apologize. It's not something you could have stopped. I'm sorry you have these dreams."I said softly looking at John."John do you always wake him that way?" John nodded and I started,"In college I took a psychology course about PTSD as a requirement. When this happens, soft tones and light touch helps them come out quicker. It also allows them to feel comforted so it calms them faster, try that next time."John thanked me and asked if I was okay to sit with him for a bit, which I said was okay.
Once John left- Kayce looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. I'm fucked up baby.." I cut him off," Don't ever say that again. You're not fucked up, you're traumatized. Rightfully so, don't apologize for that. We can lay back down if you want to try to sleep again." he kissed my shoulder and looked thankful. "skin to skin?" he said quietly. I reached my hand up to his jaw and smiled,"If you truly need skin to skin, sure." He gave me a light smile and pulled my shirt over my head before fully undressing me, then getting up to use the bathroom. On his way back he locked the door and pulled me back on top of him, immediately nuzzling into me.
As he fell back asleep, I stared at his features. He was a little bit older, but still as beautiful as he always was. His beard filled in. but he still has his dimples that used to make me go weak at the knees. His hair was longer than it used to be but it looked good. I realized I'm still very much physically attracted to him but not emotionally,which started to make me feel weird, being here naked on top of him. Memories and painful stories started to stir in my mind so I texted Lee. He immediately texted me back that he was grateful for me being here to help and getting him some sleep, they all needed it.
I laid with him until 3:30, I needed to get some stuff done for my week ahead. I felt bad because he looked so peaceful, the lines in his forehead were gone, the dimples were back and
was finally at peace. As he slept, I traced his features with my finger tips and whispered I had to go in his ear, kissing his hair. I slowly untangled myself from him and got up to get dressed. I sent Jaime and Lee a text that I was leaving and headed out the door.once downstairs, Gator saw me and let me know he made extras of the salmon from last night and had portioned them out so I could eat them whenever l wanted. After thanking him, I got in my truck and left. As I drove down to my house,I realized I was sad, something I haven't been in a bit.
I got home and showered, then headed up to town for my errands. I hit the farmers market where I buy all my groceries, then went to pick up my dry cleaning before making my way back home to start my meal preps. Every week I make sourdough bread, home made crackers, granola bars, and dried fruit to snack on. While waiting for everything to bake, I did my workout which ran over by about an hour. Lee and Jaime had texted me multiple times but I was in the zone and didn't even check my phone. As I pulled the stuff out of my ovens, my
Front door opened and the Dutton boys walked in including Tate and Kayce. "It smells so good in here, hi Isabell!" Tate said. I smiled at him as the shock faded. Kayce came around the counter and kissed the back of my head as I was taking the lid off the bread and said, " It does smell real good in here. Hey baby, why'd ya sneak off?" I focused on scoring my bread and replied. "I'm not your baby, and I didn't sneak off. I had things to do as you can see." Kayce looked me up and down noticing i was in my workout clothes and I was sweating. I set my timer for the rest of the baking time and went back into my gym as Jaime and Lee laid on the couch watching tv with Tate. "Tate I don't have many snacks but you're welcome to anything I have, you too Kayce. Lee, Jaime, as always do what you want I'll be done soon." I put my headphones on as I got onto the treadmill running like I was running from my problems. Kayce watched me from the door unknowingly to me. Lee stood up from the couch and joined Kayce. Once he saw how fast I was going he knew what I was doing. Lee knows me better than anyone. He walked over into my field of vision and turned down the treadmill causing me to take my headphones off and ask him,"What the fuck Lee?" He stared at me, "Relax. Get your bearings. Don't beat yourself up, you're okay."Lee walked out of the room as I restarted the treadmill at a lower speed but still at a run. Kaye shut the door and sat on the weight bench watching me. As I took my headphones off, he asked,"Why'd he say that?" I didn't know what to say so I said,"Don't worry about it. Why are you in here? Why are you here in general?"
He looked up and smiled,"Just wanted to see ya baby. I wanna spend some time with ya." I got annoyed,"Again, I'm not your baby. So could ya stop?" He stood up and walked over, stopping the treadmill, "You'll always be my baby," as he tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and smiled. I've never been more frustrated,"I haven't been your baby in 6 years. There's also a much bigger conversation we need to have and I can't do it with Tate here." Kayce frowned, " Let's leave the past in the past and move onto our future. Marry me baby. Tomorrow morning, tonight, whenever you're available." Is he insane?I don't even want him here and he wants me to just forget everything? I looked at him throwing daggers at him in my head,"Are you on drugs? I'm not marrying you ever."
Kayce-"Why not? We're both single, we love each other. We know we're compatible. Come on."
Bella-"I may be single but I sure as hell don't love you."
Kayce-"Yes you do,deep down you're still in love with me. My love for you is right here at the surface. I'm ready to marry you, have some more babies, I'd keep you pregnant too. I've always imagined how hot you'd be pregnant and carrying my babies. We could move into the lodge.
You can quit your job and just be a mama.We'll have a good life baby, just like we always wanted."
Bella-"Ha, you really are delerious. I'm not in love with you. I'll never be in love with you again. I'm not marrying you, not having anymore of your babies, and certainly not growing old with you. Those dreams died when you did what you did. I see you're ready for that conversation now, Let's go out to the barn."
Bella went into her room and changed. As she passed the boys on the couch she looked at Jaime who knew what this was going to be from the look on her face. "Be safe Kayce, stay an arms length away at all times and buckle up." Lee and Kayce laughed, Kayce told Tate to stay in with his uncles and walked to the barn.
Kayce-"Alright baby, what's wrong? Let's hash this shit out so we can move on."
Bella-"I'm not your fucking baby. We're not moving on,We're done. I don't want you in my life. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, Nothings changed Kayce. You have a son, the ranch, your family."
Kayce-"Bella don't be like that. I am sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not marrying you, I'm sorry I walked away. I'm sorry I ruined everything but things have changed. I love you."
Bella -"What's changed Kayce? You got divorced and moved home. Did you think I'd be waiting for you? That I just stayed stuck where you left me? I didn't. I lived my life, l got my degree,I traveled, I loved and was loved. I became the best attorney in Montana. I through myself into the laws, I didn't fuck off."
Kayce-"Everything changed. I'm glad you got to live. I'm glad you didn't stay stuck, but I did! You're embedded in my soul. You are my life. You were what got me through my deployments, you brought me home. All I thought of was you. You saved me. But I'm here and I love you. Why can't that be enough? We're different people! We're adults!"
Bella-"It's not enough. Loving me isn't enough. You broke me. Not just my heart you broke ME. You broke my spirit. Do you know why I go by Isabell? Because every time I heard someone call me Bella, all I could hear and see was you telling me that you were in love with me in pasture nine during cowboy camp at 14 years old while we cuddled under the stars, and we mapped our life out right there. Law school, kids, the wedding, a house on the river, running away to Wyoming and being happy together. And it broke me. It changed me to my core. Everything about me I changed. My hair, my body, my style, the food I eat, the car I drive,everything, Everything changed because you broke me!"Kayce stared at the ground now.
Bella-"I loved you with everything I had. I was who I was because you loved me. And then you didn't love me. I had to learn who I was outside of you for the first time in 17 years. Then I found out I was pregnant, and then I lost my daughter. The last piece of who I was. I had to
Find a whole new person, a whole new life. So fuck you Kayce. Fuck you. I hope at some point in your life you feel the same amount of broken I did. I figured my life out and who l am now. I
did that by myself. So no, you saying you love me isn't enough. You will never be in love with me enough that I come back to you." I started walking back into my house and into my kitchen where he followed me.
Kayce started to yell-"I'm fucking sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I broke you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I broke my promise to you, but I'm here trying to apologize and move forward with you. I'll try for the rest of my life to make it up to you. Please let me try! Take your time. Love me on your own pace or never again, but please try! I love you Isabella. You've always been it for me.I love you, you've always been my one, please!"
Lee, Jaime, and Tate sat there quiet as Kayce had tears running down his face and my face was beat red in anger.
Bella-"Get out of my house Kayce. Get out and don't ever come back. Don't call me, don't text me, don't look me up in the phone book, Don't even think of me. I hate you. I hate you more than I've ever hated anything. You were the worst mistake of my life. Get out!"
Kayce stood there sobbing, Tate went up to his father and hugged him. Jaime patted Kayce on the shoulder and sadly said"Alright Kayce. Let's get ya home." Lee sat up on the couch
walking over to me and placed his hand on my arm. Jaime had almost gotten him out the door before he turned and said." I am so sorry. But I will always be in love with you. I'll always be here for you.I love you baby." Kayce walked out and shut the door.Lee looked at me with a sad look in his eyes. "You can go too Lee, I need some time." he interrupted "B, I'm not-" "Go Lee, please. I love you but I can't do any of this right now." he hugged me and nodded, then walked out the door.
I know it was harsh, I know it was cruel.But I can't put myself last again.
